October 31, 2018
Good Day Grover Pickers,
And Happy Halloween.
Today’s word is ‘Masquerade’, as in, people or teams trying to appear as something they are not or to at least be scary.
WHAT WE KNOW
The current Florida State Seminoles are merely masquerading as “Florida State Seminoles”. What a treat they gave Clemson.
The first official College Football Playoff bracket is out with Alabama playing Notre Dame and Clemson playing LSU. This is make-believe nonsense, but it will sort itself out. The correct bracket should be Alabama v Clemson in one semi-final and UCF v Alabama’s Second Unit in the other semifinal. Then, the Alabama spring game is for the championship.
WHAT WE DON’T KNOW
Have the Cleveland Browns rebooted the franchise or merely continued their streak of “Being The Browns”? Would-be Federal defendant Jimmy Haslam fired his head coach and his offensive coordinator. Haslam replaced the head coach with a guy who was suspended an entire season for paying bounties to his players for injuring opponents. This is the kind of thinking that may lead to an announcement that the new full-time head coach of the Cleveland Browns is…
DJ Durkin. This is the Maryland head football coach who was just reinstated by the school after an investigation found that he ran a “Toxic” program. He was reinstated after the university took full responsibility for the death of a player on Durkin’s watch that was the result of his coaches and trainers inaction.
It seems like too often football coaches, players, administrators and ‘leaders’ go out of their way, go to great lengths, spend hours figuring new ways, to just be stupid. All of these people, the Browns, the Terrapins, are masquerading as adults.
SUPRISES
Denny Douds was the coach at East Strasbourg, a D2 school in Pennsylvania, since 1973 and until last Saturday. He has coached more football wins than any other active coach in the NCAA. With four seconds to play versus Ohio Dominican, Douds called his fourth timeout of the game. Surely, after 45 years, he must know he only gets three timeouts.
Denny knows. Months ago, Douds decided he would retire at the end of the season. He told only his wife. Then, with four seconds left in the final home game, he told the game official that he was calling a fourth timeout, go ahead an penalize him, because he’s retiring.
Douds walked onto the middle of the field, called his team around him, announced his retirement, shook some hands and walked away from football.
“I told my wife when I leave the stadium, I am going to tip my hat and say, ‘I love ya,’” Douds told WNEP. “I tipped my hat, walked to the car, and smiled all the way home.”
Perfect. Rare. Awesome.
Here’s a link to the end of the game. https://www.si.com/college-football/2018/10/30/east- stroudsburg-esu-coach-denny-douds-retirement-video
Hey, Nick Saban! Are you seeing this? You could do this! Well, except for the ‘Smiled all the way home’ part. Give it a try.
Kentucky Wildcats. Winning more than losing. Winning on the last play. Beating the mighty Gators. This is unsettling. However, now that NCAA basketball season begins this week, all of the Wildcat football players are required by Kentucky law to wear basketball shorts and high top sneakers, so this costume party is about to end.
FITZMAGIC IS BACK! The Harvard grad who wears other players weird clothes to press conferences replaces Jameis Winston. This is not a surprise to Grover Picker GATOR IN VOL COUNTRY, Paul Grove, who has believed Winston to be an overrated goof since his days at FSU. This Sunday, Winston will be like every other trick or treater- just a dude in a football costume.
According to Google metrics, the most popular costume coming to your door trick or treating tonight will be a Fortnite costume. This is based on the popular game, Fortnite, with is a simulated combat game that appeals to the twelve year old in all of us. Fortnite is the most popular costume in 42 states. These are the exceptions and we welcome your suggestions to make sense of this:
Alaska: Mermaid
Arkansas: Dinosaur
District of Columbia: Spider-Man
Idaho: Unicorn
Oregon: Dinosaur
South Dakota: Spider-Man
Utah: Unicorn
Vermont: Monster
It feels like Utah should be a Dinosaur, Vermont is a Unicorn, and what would an Alaskan Mermaid look like? Sasquatch with fin feet?
DISAPPOINTMENTS
TCU lost to Kansas, a school that has 6 football victories in the last 4 seasons. No candy for TCU.
Missouri Tigers. They say you must play for the full 60 minutes. Missouri did and at the end of 60 minutes, the Tigers held a lead over Kentucky. Normally, that means Missouri wins the game. Alas and alack, there was an extra untimed down and UK scored the winning touchdown. Like getting a toothbrush from the weird lady in the gray house on Halloween.
WHAT KIND OF COSTUMES SHOULD FOOTBALL TEAMS WEAR TONIGHT?
ALABAMA V LSU
The Tide would wear a half Superman, half Batman costume because Nick Saban won’t allow an argument around which super hero is better. The Tide will arrive at your house after having mapped and ‘pre-walked’ the most efficient route to collect the most candy and will definitely claim all the candy collected by any other kid in a Superman and/or Batman costume in adjacent neighborhoods as their own. After collecting enough candy to fill 14 30lbs trash cans, the Tide will return home, dump it all on the floor, then complain about fumbling away a Butterfinger in Mr. Miller’s driveway and missing Mrs. Willoughby’s house altogether. Got to get better.
LSU would dress as a Princess- a very popular costume that doesn’t really scare anyone and the princess is probably fun at a party.
GEORGIA V KENTUCKY
The Bulldogs are the entire cast of the animated children’s show Paw Patrol. The character’s, all puppies, are named Cap’n Turbot, Rocky, Skye, Alex, Marshall, Katie, Rubble, Jake, Zuma, Ryder, and Chase, which are the exact same names of all the UGA fans you meet at the Bulldog Club in Dunwoody on a Thursday night.
The Wildcats are any of those Fortnite characters- Never heard of them before September, gonna be done with them by the end of November.
MISSOURI V FLORIDA
Missouri shows up as the Lithuanian Air Force. Lithuania is the smallest military air force on earth. The Tigers are great in the air, but there is only one fighter jet, so, not so effective for the total war.
The Gators are a monster of some kind, not sure what kind, might not be a real monster, but certainly scary looking. They show up maybe with a green sheet and some pull-on rubber mask, possible mismatched shoes and holding a light saber. It could be really fearsome, but it’s not fully formed.
CHARLOTTE V TENNESSEE
The 49ers are a mermaid. They are 4-4, which matches the highest win total in school history with 4 games to play. However, this week Charlotte learns that women with fishtails are not real, and the Niners are not actually good.
The Vols are the classic hobo. Seen better times and, if the this boxcar keeps rolling, there may be better times ahead. Phil Fulmer is still a Great Pumpkin.
TEXAS A&M V AUBURN
The Aggies are a pirate, which is to say, they look fearsome, but really have just one good eye and a peg leg.
Meanwhile, Auburn is a ghost. So alive and vibrant at the season’s start, now just an apparition hoping to spook the real contenders.
WEST VIRGINIA V TEXAS
West Virginia shows up looking like the 1980’s. Big hair, bright colors, smart enough to solve a Rubik’s cube, all the right Members Only jackets, a great soundtrack, lots of glam on offense, but more holes than Cher’s fishnet stockings on defense.
Texas is The Joker. Is he back?
STANFORD V WASHINGTON
Stanford is the 17 year old who comes to the door dressed as himself expecting twice as much of your best candy than you are giving to the six year olds.
Washington is the cute kids dressed in an authentic Minion costume with all the detail down to actual yellow face paint. He is going to win the neighborhood costume contest, until…. he breaks down crying when a scary pirate jumps at him from the bushes at the Leach’s house. Then the costume catches fire when he trips over a jack-o-lantern. He goes home early.
FSU V NC STATE
FSU are clowns.
NC State are a sheep in wolf’s clothing.
PENN STATE V MICHIGAN
Penn State comes to the door dressed as Michael, the killer from the Halloween movies. It’s a white mask, dark clothes… just like PSU’s gameday uniforms.
Michigan is dressed as Norman Bates from Psycho. Khaki pants, weird grin, trying really hard not to look like he’s trying too hard. He’s a classic, but hasn’t done anything for years and you have no doubt he would do something terrible to his mother if it meant winning this game.
PACKERS V PATRIOTS
Green Bay are a unicorn, a sturdy horse with a magical horn named “Aaron Rodgers”. Rare, exceptional powers, glorious to watch and admire.
The Patriots are a unicorn with its own permanent rainbow just over the right shoulder. This unicorn will not die and it is always one-upping the other unicorns. Sure, it’s an older unicorn and it doesn’t mind farting out loud in the middle of a conversation, but that rainbow means this is the GOAT of the unicorns.
TITANS V COWBOYS
The Titans are a vampire, but instead of avoiding sunlight, these vampires avoid the end zone.
The Cowboys. The Cowboys don’t go door to door trick or treating. This is the kind of organization that puts on boots, a big buckle, and hat, so, normal street clothes, then puts eye black on their cheeks to look like a ‘scary cowboy’. Then they go to one of those ‘Trunk or Treat’ scams at the mall because they are a bunch of lazy, uncreative, glory seeking cow dorks.
BEARS V BILLS
The Bears show up at your door dressed as a witch. It’s a classic look. It’s not going to win a costume contest, but it’s never the worst costume, either.
The Bills are a zombie. In fact, if Buffalo fielded a team of reanimated corpses, that group would score more points than the current Bills offense.
JETS V DOLPHINS
The Jets are a devil, the gravitational center of all that is wrong with anything.
The Dolphins are a skeleton. They used to be Paul Bunyan, but all that’s left are brittle bones and some weird skeleton dances.
BUCCANEERS V PANTHERS
The Bucs are dressed as a door mat that should have been thrown away two winters ago. There’s text on the mat. It used to say, “Welcome Stranger”, but enough letters wore off that it just says, “Wel o S e”.
The Panthers are actually Black Panther, a superhero who’s not like the others, with skills and power never seen before, trying to give hope to youth in the form of footballs and wristbands after touchdowns. The rest of the world is disbelieving of Black Panther’s power, but it’ all good until the Vibranium, or Cam-brainium, runs out.
Finally, Happy 80th Birthday to Grover Picker AKWEAV (If I knew when your birthday was, I’d mention you, too.) Since he was born, AKWEAV’s beloved Missouri Tigers are 474-405-22. His grad school favorite Tennessee Volunteers are 613-280-26 . Winners all around! Of course, he may be even more excited to know that since 1938, the hated Kansas Jayhawks have a losing record, 356-501-23.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 