October 17, 2018
Good Day Grover Pickers,
It’s a short slate this week, only 25 picks.
This is partly because your Commissioner was out of commission for a while earlier Tuesday for a colonoscopy. For those of you under 50, this is a ‘medical’ procedure where, apparently, they use a tiny camera to take pictures inside your colon.
If any of you are ‘medical people’ please correct me, but I believe the “colon” is an internal organ somewhere between your esophagus and your patella. I’m not sure. I was drugged and sedated for the entire event.
Anyway, some of this may get loopy….
WHAT WE KNOW
If Aaron Rodgers has the ball last, you lose.
If the Rams get off the bus at the correct stadium, you lose.
The two most underrated teams in college are Utah State and whichever team wins between North Texas and UAB this Saturday.
On the day before a colonoscopy, you must consume a liquid diet and then you drink a ‘prep concoction’ that doesn’t taste too terrible at 6pm, but when you drink it again at 3:30am, it’s like dog vomit. I don’t know if this happens to other people, but I think ‘prep concoction’ medicine gave me what we used to call in my neighborhood “The Runs”. It’s quite pleasant, especially at 4am.
This reminds me, here are your TOP TEAMS WITH THE RUN(S).
Georgia Tech leads FBS with 352.4 yards rushing per game. The Yellow Jackets are 3-4.
Kennesaw State leads FCS with 377 yards rushing per game. Just 6 more than Davidson. Kennesaw is 6-1, Davidson 3-4.
Carson-Newman leads D2 rushing with 353 yards per game. The Eagles are 5-2.
Salisbury University leads D3 with 369 yards rushing per game. The Sea Gulls from Maryland are 6-0.
The Los Angeles Rams lead the NFL in rushing with 154 yards per game. The Rams are 6-0, the last undefeated team this season.
WHAT WE DON’T KNOW
We don’t know anything about the NFL. Brock Osweiler, a journeyman backup QB, threw for over 400 yards and helped the Dolphins defeat the Bears, who came into the game with the best defense in football. NEVER gamble on NFL games.
We don’t know if the Tennessee Volunteers are back, but they aren’t as far away as we thought last week! Oh, happy day! Reminds me of the story of that lady from Knoxville who’s cusband (half cousin/half husband) found part of a toothbrush in the seat of the old Buick that was parked in their yard since ’72. Just blissful.
It occurs to me, I don’t even know how they get that camera into the colon. Maybe I’ll Google that later.
I don’t know what really happens in the colonoscopy procedure room because as soon as they roll you in there a burly dude with giant forearms yells, “Goodnight Mrs. Kowalski!” and you wake up sometime later with another, much smaller, dude in a doctor costume whispering what was either, “We didn’t find a polyp” or “We are out of lollipops.” What goes on in between “Mrs. Kowalski!” and “Lolipops”, could very well be Doctors vs Nurses Fortnite or even Pin The Tail On the Patient. I’ll never know.
SURPRISES
There is still a chance for the four playoff teams in college to be:
IOWA- Get to the Big 12 title game and beat Michigan or Ohio State
NOTRE DAME- Just. Don’t. Lose. Easy.
LSU- Beat Bama in the regular season, win the SEC title game.
NC STATE- Beat Clemson this Saturday. Don’t Lose Again. Win ACC title game.
On the other hand, there is no chance for the Raiders, Colts, Giants, Cardinals or Niners to make the NFL playoffs, but the Bills and Buccaneers are somehow still in it.
My wife dutifully dropped me off at the doctor’s office. She suggested she would probably pick me up later. So, I’m not sure why I’m having to type all of this while sitting on a brown IKEA futon in the apartment living room of an Uber driver. He looks a bit perplexed, too. His name is Earl.
DISAPPOINTMENTS
The Team Where Nebraska Used To Be. Memorial Stadium is the right name for the home field.
Virginia Tech. Old Domion is 1-6 this season and somehow the 1 was Virginia Tech. How?
UNC Tar Heels- If you can’t do better than Duke in football, it won’t matter what you do to them in basketball. This team is like the ACC version of Kansas football. Get better, Tar Heels.
There were no lollipops at the nurse’s desk after the colonoscopy.
COLLEGE GAMES
NORTH TEXAS V UAB
The winner has the inside track for the CUSA Western title and likely will be favored to win the CUSA Championship and finish the season with just one loss. This is as big a battle as you will ever see in CUSA. It’s like being the highest rated television show on the CW. (Which is The Flash, BTW).
TENNESSEE V ALABAMA
Third Saturday in October. The Big Orange come in hot! How hot? The Vols are hotter than a photoshopped Baywatch lifeguard. Hotter than a Trinidad Moruga Scorpion pepper. Hotter than a hydrothermal vent on the 4th of July. Hotter than the sun at 20 paces. The Vols are so hot!
Multiply all that Vol hotness by 50. That’s Alabama. The Tide are the single biggest factor in global warming. Can’t wait for the next ice age. Hope it starts in Tuscaloosa.
AUBURN V OLE MISS
The Tigers have made a mess of this season and now must beat Ole Miss to keep themselves in line for the Independence Bowl or maybe the Music City Bowl. For those of you Auburn fans still holding your head in your hands, those bowl games will not be for the national title. Oh, by the way, Alabama is still undefeated.
DUKE V VIRGINIA
Is it good or bad for college football that these two Geek Squads are playing a meaningful football game (ok, as meaningful as ‘Mid-tier ACC Football’ can be) ?
CLEMSON V NC STATE
The Textile Bowl is a play-in game! When not arguing over fabric weaves and thread counts or underperforming in basketball, these two great institutions sometimes play meaningless football. But not this season!
The stakes are high for both undefeated squads. The winner gets a bolt of burlap, it’s pick of 5 head of cattle from the other school, and a chance to go undefeated, win the ACC, and get embarrassed by Alabama in the College Football Playoff. Also- The Commissioner has seen NC State in person. That QB is really good. Not sure that’s enough.
Petty Point: The official Grover Picks Pronunciation for “Clemson” is “CelmPson”, not “Clem- Zuhn”. There is a 75% silent “P”.
WASHINGTON STATE V OREGON
This is the ESPN Gameday game. Someone has waved a WSU flag, called “Ol’ Crimson”, at the last 200 College Gameday broadcasts, regardless of the location. It was one of the first flags ever on site. It’s become it’s own college football tradition and Saturday at 10am eastern, the flag finally gets a home game.
No jokes here. If you love college football then you know that Gameday in Pullman, a place that’s hard to get to from 6 other places the are hard to get to first, is a great event. It’s the kind of thing that makes you forget all about the shadiness of college football and revel in the passion of a fan base experiencing a ‘victory’ for the first time.
As to the game, Oregon’s QB is excellent, however, it’s the Cougars who have the most potent weapon, Head Coach Mike Leach.
Mike Leach once gave his football team a three hour lecture about pirates. https://www.seattletimes.com/sports/wsu-cougars/mike-leach-brings-pirates-code-to-football-field/
Here are two things Mike Leach has actually said:
Mike Leach on Concentration:
“I’ve specifically concentrated on not concentrating on this, and up to this point, I’ve done a really good job.”
Mike Leach on Dating in Lubbock, Texas:
“You want some place casual to begin with, because you don’t want something real formal in the beginning. So some place casual. I recommend Cagle’s steakhouse, which is very casual. The other thing that’s great about it is there’s very little salad there at Cagle’s.”
Here is an excellent link to a list of delightful quotes from Mike Leach. Enjoy. You’re welcome. https://www.sbnation.com/college-football/2017/12/28/15024328/mike-leach-quotes-best-funniest- washington-state-head-coach
NFL GAMES
I repeat my previous warning. Do Not Bet on NFL Games. Nobody, not the players, not the coaches, and especially not the announcers, has any idea what is going on in this league, which makes it awesome.
There have been 6 overtime games in consecutive weeks.
The Patriots took away what the KC Chiefs love best, throwing to TE Travis Kelce, and the Chiefs still put up 40!
The Tennessee Titans are in first place in the AFC South even though Marcus Mariota completed only 10 passes last week, but was sacked 11 times. More sacks than completions = first place!
FALCONS V GIANTS
It won’t be a perfect game, but it will be entertaining. Spectacularly Befuddling. The Falcons offense should put up points with any team in the league, but always disappoints. The Giants offense features Saquan Barkley, who is a freak of nature worth watching every week, and Odell Beckham, who is a freak of nature worth watching every week, and Eli Manning, who reminds me of the great warrior guarding the Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. This Grail Knight had lived locked in a cave for 2,000 years. He says, “I was chosen as the bravest and most worthy until another knight came along. I am vanquished.” This is where Eli finds himself today. The Falcons and Giants, teams of superstars and aged knights, are a combined 3-9.
BUCCANEERS V BROWNS
It won’t be a perfect game, but it will be entertaining. The Bucs spent $88 million on defensive salaries this season, are giving up a league worst 440 yards per game, and fired their defensive coordinator Monday. At least they’ve still got JameisMagic to throw for 400 yards in losses. The Browns counter with hope, guile and Baker Mayfield.
COLTS V BILLS
It won’t be a perfect game, but it might be entertaining if you like to laugh at other people getting punched in the crotch.
The Bills are starting Nathan Peterman at QB! Yes! THAT Nathan Peterman. He played at Tennessee before transferring to Pittsburgh. Here’s what Jon Gruden, failing Oakland Raiders Coach, said about Peterman coming out of college: “”He just looks like a pro quarterback — coming out of the huddle, running an offense with different formations, shifting, motioning, different patterns that other colleges don’t run. Peterman will recognize route combinations and associate formations.”
Notice, he didn’t say anything about his ability to throw to open receivers. Peterman threw 5 interceptions in one HALF last season. He threw a game-losing pick six last week. Meanwhile, the Bills have already won 2 games this season and Head Coach Sean McDermott should be the early favorite for coach of the year.
The Colts feature Oliver Luck’s son, Andrew, and 52 other guys wrangled from the IndyBurger at the Castleton Square Mall in northeast Indianapolis. You should check out the twitter feed @CaptAndrewLuck which describes the QB as “Soldier. Colt. Simple Man.” while sharing his tweets in the character of a Civil War officer. He writes the tweets to his mother in that antebellum style we all chuckle about. It’s humorous.
DALLAS V WASHINGTON
What makes one want to study to become a gastroenterologist and smile at people all day while you take pictures inside stranger’s colons? Is it the same odd brain type that makes you root for Dallas or Washington? I think it is. I did finally Google how they get that camera into your colon. That’s when I realized that Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones are just a couple of colonoscopy entry points.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 