November 14, 2018
Good Day Grover Pickers,
The days for the Grand K are done. Wither the chain gang?
Grand K is a metal rod that is the definition of a kilogram. All other kilograms are measured against this one rod, which is stored in a vault at the International Bureau of Weights and Measures just outside of Paris, France.
For those unfamiliar, a kilogram is a unit of measurement in the ‘metric’ system used mostly to weigh illegal drugs.
The International Bureau of Weights and Measures is the guardian of the eight main units humanity uses to measure its world:
the meter for length
the kilogram for mass
the second for time
the ampere for electric current
the kelvin for temperature
the mole for the amount of a substance
the candela for luminous intensity
the chain link for first downs
Of the eight, the kilo and the chain link are the last measures still based on a physical artifacts: the Grand K, a cylinder of platinum and iridium that requires three keys to gain access to, and the Chain, which is available at Home Depot for $8.30/meter.
A few years ago scientists noticed that the Grand K was losing weight. It’s not the kind of weight as measured by Nutri-System. It’s more that if you sneeze on the Grand K, the mass of the rod changes, and thus, the underpinning of all the world’s mass measurements are thrown, to quote Einstein, “Out of whack.”
Once the changing mass of the Grand K was discovered, science arguments ensued. Beakers were broken. Harsh letter were exchanged in Latin. Eventually, a consensus emerged.
On this Friday, the international General Conference on Weights and Measures will meet in Versailles, France. Experts such as The Commissioner expect this body to approve a new kilogram based on unalterable features of the universe — such as the speed of light, time and Planck’s constant (6.62607004 × 10-34 m2 kg / s). Duh!
Says an actual scientist in a lab coat, “The system will be intrinsically correct by reference to the laws of science, the laws of nature. We won’t have to depend on just assuming that one particular object never changes.”
Football, on the other hand, a $37 billion industry, will continue to use chains, feet, index cards, ‘unofficial yellow lines’, instant replay, near sighted and far sighted officials, and Hochuli’s Constant (FD = B + 3(SHOe) / 3.14 *(42 – IDK*007)).
WHAT WE KNOW
We know how long a meter is, absolutely. The meter used to be a meter-long metal bar from France, but is now defined as the length that light travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458th of a second. The Commissioner is willing to admit that even he didn’t realize how important the Hoover was to this calculation. Do you think they use one with the dust attachment?
Drew Brees should be kept in a vault in France that needs three keys to access. The Saints QB is completing 77% of his passes this season. From here on out we should refer to any completed pass as a “Brees”.
Utah State is the best offense you are not watching. Utah State leads America in scoring with 513 points. In 9 wins this season, the Aggies have scored 60, 73, 42, 45, 59, 24, 61, 56, and 62 points. They’ve held opponents to 20 or fewer points in six of those games. Utah State is likely headed to the Mitsubishi Motors Las Vegas Bowl. That, as Einstein once said, is, “Out of whack.”
Davidson can run the ball, but they cannot win. The Wildcats rushed for a ridiculous 789 yards — breaking a single-game rushing record set by Oklahoma in 1988 — and lost 56-52 to San Diego. Davidson is 5-5 this season.
WHAT WE DON’T KNOW
The Romans invented the mile. It was 1,000 paces of two steps each, about 5,000 feet. We do not know why Queen Elizabeth the First decreed that a mile would henceforth be 8 furlongs, which is 5,280 feet, but the result is that the Denver Broncos play in 8 Furlong Stadium.
FitzMagic. It has to be magic if your team puts up 500 yards of offense and scores just 3 points. It’s bad magic, but magic nonetheless. Reminds me of the mustachioed magician in the old Frosty the Snowman animated CBS Special Presentation.
UCF is 22-0 over it’s last 22 games. How long can it last? Will the Knights ever get to face Utah State in an epic showdown for a chance to earn a spot in the Poulan Weedeater Bowl versus Vanderbilt?
Bears kicker Cody Parkey hit the uprights on four consecutive kicks last weekend. Those were all misses, even thought sometimes a ball hits the post and still goes through. Not for Parkey. The upright is 6 5/8” in diameter. From here on out, Queen Elizabeth the First doth decree that the outside 3 13/16” of an upright shall be an English unit of measure called a “Parkey”.
SURPRISES
Is anyone else wondering why all these measures are kept under lock and key by the French? Something that precise and obsessive feels much more German or Persian, maybe even Swedish.
Nick Mullens is the San Francisco 49ers quarterback. In 2 games he’s got a 102 passer rating and completes 70% of his passes. That QB rating is higher than Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers and Matthew Stafford. He’s on pace for a career passer rating of 150.2. The current highest rated QB of all time is Rodgers, with a 104 rating.
The Buffalo Bills are hot. I could have written the that NY Jets suck, but that’s not a surprise. The Bills scored 42 points in the 6 games before last Sunday. They put up 41 in one game on the Jets.
Our football yard owes a debt to the 1266 law titled, “Composition of Yards and Perches”. This law combined the Anglo-Saxon measures with the Roman measures and made a few adjustments. Most important to the modern game of football was the barleycorn.
It was set forth that from 1266 (on or about) and forward, 3 barleycorn would equal 1 inch.
12 inches in a foot.
3 feet in a yard.
5 yards equals half a perch
40 perches in length by 4 perches breadth make an acre.
These new measurements were 10/11 of the previous measurements.
Therefore, and for the rest of time, a football team must gain exactly or at least 1,080 barleycorn to gain a first down.
Before 1266, a team needed to gain 1,188 barleycorn for a first down. Think of how many times a linesman spotted a ball precisely with his right foot, brought out the chain, knelt down for a closer look at the ‘nose’ of the ball vis’a vi the perfectly perpendicular yard marker post, pulled an official NFL index card and divined that your team had gained the requisite 1,080 barleycorn.
In 1265, that would have been 8 barleycorns short!
DISSAPOINTMENTS
We will miss the English measurements when they are all gone. It took until 1884 for the English to agree that a ‘stone’ equaled 14 pounds. Now, just 134 years later, the only thing anyone measures by a ‘stone’ is the consciousness level of your college roommate. (The official English measurements are Stoned, Really Stoned, Stoned Out Of His/Her Mind, and Completely Blitzed).
Nathan Peterman is no longer an NFL quarterback. The Bills cut him. This was a man hearalded by Jon Gruden as a second round pick, a commander of the huddle, and an underrated prospect. He finished his career with three TDs, 12 INTs, and a 32.5 passer rating. It is the same passer rating the barista at Starbucks would get as an NFL quarterback.
At the same time, Nathan Peterman worked really hard to become and NFL quarterback. He lifted all the weights, studied all the plays, ran the sprints, honed his crafts for years. He was definitely talented. This is the guy that led Pitt to 47 wins, including giving Clemson their only loss in a National Championship season.
Is the game just too fast for his skills? Is he merely young and needs more time to develop? In any case, after all that work and success, Nathan Peterman got to live his dream and then ended up earning a reputation as the worst starting quarterback ever in the NFL. He’s the worst of the best. Maybe he can play baseball.
Bobby Petrino is out of work. He’s the worst of the worst. The former Louisville head coach, former Arkansas head coach, former Atlanta Falcons head coach, and terrible motorcycle riding liar, was fired along with his son, quarterback coach Nick Petrino, his two sons-in-law on staff, and his right-hand fixer Andy Wagner.
It’s been a terrible football season at Papa John’s Stadium… wait… do they still call it that since they fired Papa John? At least the Cardinals can look forward to basketball season and Rick Pitinio’s boys… wait…didn’t they fire him this year so he could do his podcast full time? Is anyone left at Louisville? The unit of measure that best describes Louisville is “Empty House”.
On to the games….
GIFTS
#1 ALABAMA V CITADEL
Picking this game should give you the same feeling Alabama players have before every game. Confident. Certain. Inevitable. DO NOT pick Citadel.
RIVALRIES
We are picking these games because they are great and legendary rivalries, but, like the Grand K, they are not what they used to be.
USC v UCLA
The Trojans are 5-5. The Bruins are 2-8. It’s the most combined losses for these teams ever in the history of this, the most overhyped, useless, meaningless, waste of the Rose Bowl, ever.
HARVARD v YALE
The 135th meeting of ‘The Game’, played at Fenway Park as a stunt to desecrate baseball. Both teams are 5-4. Harvard’s defense is better. If you are going you can order a long faux fur coat and a pennant on a stick from Amazon for as little as $47.
BETHUNE COOKMAN V FAMU
The 74th edition of the Florida Classic. This is just an excuse for an awesome Battle of the Bands at halftime. There is little chance anyone reading this has the proper outfit ready to wear to this event. The look, the hair, the shoes, it’s all essential. FAMU is 6-4. Bethune Cookman is 6-5.
LAFAYETTE V LEHIGH
The Rivalry, live from Easton, PA. This is the 154th meeting, most of any two school anywhere. Lafayette is 3-7. Lehigh is 2-8. Ra! Ra! This game is the college football definition of “Tradition”. It’s the thing we still do regardless of its irrelevance. And we love and cherish every bit of it.
STANFORD V CAL
“The Big Game”. Stanford Band. Hacked scoreboards. Dudes living in trees in protest. Elitist. Hippies. Hybrid cars. Expensive wine. It’s the most California style football.
HIDDEN GEMS
We are picking these games because there is glory in the offing for these teams.
#14 UTAH STATE V COLORADO STATE
The Rams stink and Utah State is going to 10-1 and putting up 60 points. Again.
UAB V TEXAS A&M
Two season ago there was no UAB football. Now, they are 9-1 and champions of the CUSA West division. The Blazers have never beaten A&M, but then again, the Aggies are 7-11 against all other teams from Alabama. Do you believe in redemption?
OREGON V ARIZONA STATE
The Sun Devils play to win the games! Two more and ASU wins the Pac 12 South and plays for a Rose Bowl berth, cementing the conference as ‘terrible’.
DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE
#3 NOTRE DAME V #12 SYRACUSE
Played at Yankee Stadium. Is there anything about this that is not insufferable? I can’t go along with pretending this is actually an important game. It’s a game in big media markets between two teams that would struggle to finish ahead of Vanderbilt and Ole Miss in the SEC. Neither would hold Utah State under 40. They don’t want any part of UCF. And the uniforms are ugly.
Sometime in the 1120’s, before the “Composition of Yards and Perches”, King Henry the First announce that a ‘Yard’ was the distance between his nose and his thumb. How appropriate! One of these teams has its nose in the air and the other has its thumb up its butt!
The King’s definition was useless and self-serving, just like Notre Dame and Syracuse. All hail the demise of King Henry, Syracuse, Notre Dame and their ilk and the triumph of the barleycorn as the base of measure we could build the great game on.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA…
We are picking these games because nobody has any idea which team should win, so this is your chance to make up some ground on VOLUNATOR for the season picks lead.
GEORGIA TECH V VIRGINIA
MIAMI V VIRGINIA TECH
WEST VIRGINIA V OKLAHOMA STATE
VANDERBILT V OLE MISS
The official English measurements are properly called “Imperial Measurements” now, due to the British Empire. These rules contain an official measurement for “Chain” which is the equivalent of 4 rods.
A rod is equals 16.5 feet so a ‘Chain’ is technically 66 feet, as represented by the 17th century official Gunter’s Chain, kept by the Exchequer. The Gunter’s Chain is thus 22 yards long.
In America, we adjusted the chain to 10 yards for the purpose of first downs and limited attention span, but Canadian football, a legacy of the Empire, still uses the Gunter’s Chain.
SNEAKY GOOD?
#13 TEXAS V #18 IOWA STATE
Iowa State is ranked? We are truly out of good teams.
#11 UCF V #19 CINCINNATI
The last hurdle before the last hurdle for UCF. The Bearcats could surprise here, but aren’t we all really rooting for UCF to go 24-0, get left out of the playoff, and settle for a Fiesta Bowl appearance versus West Virginia?
STRANGERS AT WORK
MISSOURI V TENNESSEE
We call this ‘Strangers at Work’ because these teams are like employees that work on different floors and see each other once a month on the elevator. They have the same company, or in this case the same conference, in common, but that’s it. They’ll never seek the other out at the company Christmas party.
9-1 RAMS V 9-1 CHIEFS IN LOS ANGELES ON MONDAY NIGHT
The field was too muddy to play this game in Mexico City as scheduled, so the NFL moved it to Los Angeles where the field is likely to ‘flamey’. This is the Super Bowl we all want to see. Maybe it will happen in February, but that’s February. For now, we have Monday. Cancel your plans. Rearrange your responsibilities. Pop the corn, crack a beverage, start licking a Carvel cake.
The Rams and Chiefs have combined to gain 9,406,800 barleycorns this season. Game on!
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 