October 3, 2018
Good Day Grover Pickers,
Last week your Commissioner was alerted to an important and heavily researched newspaper article in the USA Today, America’s leading news source based on our collective attention spans.
This article listed the top collegiate marching bands in “America”, where “America” is defined as Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, Massachusetts, Wisconsin, and, for some odd reason, Miami.
This week we shall pick games based on the quality of the band associated with the team.
USA TODAY BAND RANKING
#1 CENTRAL MICHIGAN v BUFFALO
There are 250 “Marching Chips”. The band, and school, are committed to honoring the Chippewa nation in dress and action. The band is introduced as, “The Most Exciting Band in the Land.” How can you argue with that?
The Marching Chips are up, standing, for the entire game and cheer after every down, regardless of the outcome of the play. After each game, the band circles a tree and charges at the tree. They have done this since 1966. There’s even a plaque near the stadium to commemorate this tradition. For all this spirit, CMU’s football team is 1-4 this season. So, the Chips are down, but the Marching Chips are #1.
I can’t bring myself to research the Buffalo Band. I just assume they are all really cold and miserable.
#2 UMASS vs SOUTH FLORIDA
The Minuteman Marching Band is 380 strong and includes an award winning drumline, large and powerful horn section, and modernized color guard known for their enthusiasm, excitement and excellence. This band has earned the Louis C. Sudler Trophy, which is awarded in recognition of “the highest of musical standards and innovative marching routines and ideas, and which has made important contributions to the advancement of the performance standards of college marching bands over a period of several years.” The Minuteman football team is 2-4.
USF gives us The “Herd of Thunder” Band (HOT), also 380 strong. Rehearsals are open to the public at Fowler Park. This band does not have a prestigious award like the Louis C. Sudler trophy, but they have performed 189 times at the Hooter’s on Busch Blvd.
#3 OHIO v KENT STATE
The Ohio Marching 110 are often cited as the only reason to attend Bobcat football games. I think that’s veiled way of saying that this is the funkiest collection of white people in Ohio. They’ve made it to Carnegie Hall, Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, and the Rose Parade. However… I have questions.
First, they are called “The Marching 110”, but there are 245 members. Second, they claim the 110 now refers to need for each member to give “110% percent”. I’ll give them a pass on this silliness since the second most exciting thing to do in Athens, Ohio is visit the Dairy Art Barn. https://dairybarn.org
Two famous bands formed at Kent State, but neither is a marching band: The Pretenders and Devo.
#4 PURDUE v BYE WEEK
This 389 person band formed in 1886! They feature a giant drum on wheels. This was the first band ever to break ‘military ranks’ and form the letter “P” on a field. That’s right, Purdue was the first band to ever pee on a football field!
#5 MICHIGAN STATE v NORTHWESTERN
The MSU band wears green, marches, and blows and bangs various wind and percussion instruments. Like most things at Michigan State, the band is overrated, fails to meet expectations in big games, and will soon be on probation or in jail.
#6 WISCONSIN v NEBRASKA**
The Badger Band may actually belong on this list. They wear spats, which always makes your band cooler. This band hosts the famous “5th Quarter” in which 40,000 Badger fans hang around for nearly an hour after the game ends to party while the band plays On Wisconsin, You’ve Said it All, Beer Barrel Polka, Dance Little Bird (Chicken Dance), Tequila, and Space Badgers. Space Badgers!? https://youtu.be/3LjFK5dDSJQ A more descriptive title is “2001: A Badger Odyssey”
** We are not actually picking this game. We are probably not going to pick another Nebraska game until the Cornhuskers demonstrate some football ability.
#7 OHIO STATE v INDIANA
Oh, boy, Ohio State’s band remembered to dot the “I”. Whoooppeee! This honor, arguably one of the better college football traditions, goes to a 4th or 5th year sousaphone player. Only 13 times has someone dotted the “I” without holding a sousaphone. (Can’t we just call it a tuba?) That list includes Jack Nicklaus, John Glenn, and regrettable coaches and university presidents such as Earl the Bruce, Woody Hayes, and Gordon Gee. This band wears spats, a good look. Yet, this band represents the largest university student body in America, but isn’t even the best marching band in Ohio! Go Bobcats. This video of Rufus the Bobcat, the Ohio mascot, attacking Brutus, the Buckeye mascot, says it all. https://youtu.be/lZWvFmjEdDk
#8 MICHIGAN v MARYLAND
The Michigan band plays “The Victors”, a song you are now hearing in your head. This band plays in support of the winningest college football program in history. Given that, this band could be Milli Vanili backed by Faith No More and Featuring Tone Loc and it would still make this list. For the young people, that’s like saying this band could be Rebecca Black backed by Chain Smokers and Featuring somebody’s cousin form Atlanta who is a rapper, and still make this list.
Maryland is underrated. The “Mighty Sound of Maryland” is actually the name of the school’s band and not, as you may suspect, an Earl Weaver fart. This band plays a song called “Mars, Bringer of War”. This should be a better football school based on the band.
#9 WESTERN MICHIGAN v EASTERN MICHIGAN
The WMU Bronco Marching Band is a 300 member “contemporary-style unit that includes brass, woodwind and percussion sections along with a well-integrated color guard.” Sounds a lot like, “Contemporary Church Service”.
The key to his group’s success is a policy that welcomes students from Kalamazoo Valley Community College and other regional colleges to enroll and participate in the band. All you have to do is enroll as a “Guest Student” at WMU.
Guest Student?
I thought we were supposed to call them “Student Athletes”.
“Guest Student” seems much more appropriate.
#10 MIAMI v FLORIDA STATE
It is merely a coincidence that the first game after establishing “Guest Student”, we are talking about the Canes and Noles. No reference to either team’s current emplo….ahh… players, is intended.
The Hurricane’s have a band? Oh yeah, The Commissioner’s brother-in-law was once in the Hurricane Band. It consisted of Freshman, alumni, and various community members, all of whom were foolish enough to wear a full band costume in Miami, where, as you may know, fall never arrives.
At the same time, this band’s official name is “Frost Band of the Hour”. It’s the only thing in Miami that has frost. The “Frost” refers to the generous donor to the music department who funds everything. Like the football playing “Guest Students”, band members receive $1,500 per season and band leadership gets an extra $1,000. Maybe dedicated Grover Pickers ALL ABOUT THE U and HURRICANE JACK, who will be at this game, can give us a scouting report on the Frost Band of the Hour.
Also, FSU currently ranks 75th in total offense, ahead of Georgia State, but behind Rice, UL Monroe, and Kent State, the worst program in the history of college football.
NOT RECEIVING VOTES
FLORIDA GATORS V LSU TIGERS
The Pride of the Sunshine Band representing Florida is enormous, does everything a college marching band should do, and dresses the part. Great musicianship, quality marching technique, with one fatal flaw. This band is boring. B-O-R-I-N-G. At the same time, The Pride of the Sunshine is still better than the bands at Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Kentucky, Missouri, Auburn, Mississippi State, Mississippi, South Carolina and Arkansas.
LSU presents The Tiger Band, which gets to play “Hold That Tiger” over and over. There are two rounds of tryouts to join this band and membership is closed and limited to 325 members.
Here’s the best part. The LSU dance line are the Golden Girls. According to the official website, “The prestigious LSU Golden Girls represent the oldest and most established danceline on the LSU campus.” Amazing! I’ve been wondering what Betty White does on Saturday night. Now I know. I wonder what kind of baton twirler Bea Arthur was?
STANFORD V UTAH
As stated here before, the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band is the greatest college marching band in America. Technically, this is a ‘scatter’ band, which means any actual formations are either an accident or an intended insult for the opponent. The musicianship is covered up by the addition of anyone in Palo Alto with a loosley defined ‘instrument’ who wants to go on the field at halftime and risk school sanctions. Seriously, here is an official band statement from https://lsjumb.stanford.edu:
Rehearsal is every Monday at 7pm and you or anyone else can join us at any time.
* We welcome everyone from complete beginners (no musical experience) to expert musicians.
* We provide instruments, music, uniforms, people to help you learn, a snazzy rehearsal facility, lotsa funk, 100% free of charge!
* We don’t make you come to anything– show up for as much or as little as you want.
* We perform on the field at football games and also on many other occasions, unless we are under suspension or university sanctions.
Currently, The Stanford Band is not on probation, which means there are exciting things in store this season!
Utah brings us the “Pride of Utah Marching Band”, which is Latin for “Lower Your Expectations Immediately.” A recent letter to the editor in the September 7, 2018 Deseret News from Donald Emery of Salt Lake City complains that “I attended the Utah versus Weber State football game last Thursday and was truly disappointed when the band entered the field for the pre-game show. I counted nine sousaphones and about 125 members total. There should be at least 20 sousaphones and 250-350 members in the band.” This is a real travesty. Do they charge full ticket price for a Thursday night game versus Weber State?
GLARING OMISSIONS
Take any of the USA Today’s 10 bands, or your favorite marching band, and shove it. These bands below will blow yours off the field and talk smack about it, too.
1. Southern
2. Prairie View A&M
3. Bethune Cookman
4. Jackson State
5. North Carolina A&T
6. Florida A&M
7. Norfolk State
8. Grambling
9. Alabama State
10. Texas Southern
THE COMMISSIONERS TOP 5 BANDS OF ALL TIME (NON MARCHING) (AND TIES)
1. Rush
2.
3.
4.
5. All the other bands
TEAMS WITHOUT MARCHING BANDS, SO I ASSIGNED THEM A BAND
PATRIOTS V COLTS
The Pats actually have a band, it’s that well fed 1776 drum and fife looking unit that stands in the end zone stealing the other team’s signals and using the drum cadence to communicate with Belichick.
For the Colts, let’s go with the band Chicago. Chicago got big with Peter Cetera as the lead singer, but when he left, not so much. Chicago, the band, is still good, just not as good. Same for the Colts since that guy, Peyton, left.
SAINTS V WASHINGTON
The Saints are represented by the Preservation Hall Jazz Band which is real and utterly amazing. They can play the fire out of “When the Saints Going Marching In”. This group plays in a way that makes even Falcons fans want to root for the Saints.
Washington actually has a real band to play an actual fight song. It would be charming and really cool, except there is nothing charming or really cool about Washington anymore. By the way, that fabled ‘Waiting List’ for tickets they had for so many years…. it was a fraud. The team claims through the 1980’s and up to 2016 that there were between 90,000 and 200,000 idiots on a waiting list to buy season tickets. There was never a waiting list. Eventually the empty seats at FedEx Field ended the lie. Currently the team is soliciting for season ticket holders. Maybe they should call the marching band “Dire Straits”.
RAVENS V BROWNS
Follow me here. The Browns moved away from Cleveland to Baltimore in 1996 and became the Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens have won two Super Bowls. Meanwhile, in 1999, the NFL restored the Cleveland Browns with an expansion franchise. That team is 89-217-1.
We can’t confirm if the Super Bowl is even on television in Cleveland. The Browns last playoff win was in 1995 when they beat the Patriots. On that day, it was Cleveland that was coached by Bill Belichick. Today, the Browns’ band would be Post Malone- a brash young man on the rise. Based on the odd relationship of these two clubs, an appropriate band for the The Ravens is Twisted Sister.
Good grief that is way more about bands than anybody needed to read.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 