December 7, 2018
Good Day Grover Pickers,
Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in a line at Forever 21. But now…
From a two-top table above a plate of America’s best Sbarro Pizza and overlooking the rollercoasters at the Mall of America in Minneapolis… This is your Commissioner.
What have I done?
I‘ve come to the Twin Cities to make the greatest corporate brand video featuring transportation temperature control ever. It’s snowing and I have a few hours to kill before the flight to Charlotte.
So I walked circles around the Mall of America, from top to bottom like flushing water, and slowly started regretting everything I ever loved about the 1980’s.
Then, on 39 screens across the way inside a BW3, I saw him. Urban Meyer. Retired. Again.
Meyer is inarguably one of the greatest professional football coaches to ever work with amateur football players. He won, quickly, at every level and on the greatest stages.
In addition to being your Commissioner, I am also an unlicensed and untrained psychologist. So, allow me to walk over to the Mall of America’s Peanuts display and take a seat in Lucy’s office. The doctor is in and I have put down my nickel.
A Certified Amateur Analyis of Urban Meyer From a Mall Psychologist:
Unlike Nick Saban, Meyer embodies the modern conflict in college football. He knows he has to win, it’s his only job, and he uses all available tools to win. Just like Belichick. At the same time, he knows the whole thing is a scam. He feels he must recruit players, regardless of their character or need/desire for the education side of college. Their only purpose is to be used by him to win, and if they benefit, too, it’s a bonus. He knows he’s a professional and will demand that the players act as professionals, even though they will not be paid as professionals.
Deep down, Meyer knows it’s wrong and it causes headaches and stress and wrecks his health. That’s why he couldn’t continue at Florida. That’s why his time is up at Ohio State. Urban Meyer can’t quite completely commit to college football’s deal with the devil.
Nick Saban does not have that conflict.
Here is how Urban Meyer gains absolution and heals his soul.
Since Nick Saban is too scared to take the Kent State job, Urban should take two years off and then head to Kent. Win big at Saban’s alma mater, replace him as a favorite son, and end the debate about best coach of his era. Then get a good night’s sleep, Urban. For as much as we may loathe the methods, there still isn’t a single one of us at Miami OH, Utah, Florida, or Ohio State giving back a single win, not a single trophy, that came by your leadership.
The session is over.
Somewhere I saw that Alabama, Notre Dame, Okahoma and Clemson are in the college playoff. Notre Dame reminds me of all the men sitting in the lounge area in front of the Victoria’s Secret. They shouldn’t be here. Undefeated? OK, that’s nice. Go play UCF and the winner gets in.
Saturday’s SEC Championship Game was another reminder that Jalen Hurts should have transferred if only to save the rest of America from our Alabama fate. Makes me want to walk over to Build a Bear and rip the heads off all of them.
This week…..
Army v Navy.
Army is the better team this year, but Navy always has better uniforms. There are no surplus stores at Mall of America, but there is a store selling Kilts.
Titans v Jags
Watch out for Derrick Henry. Terrible season so far, but this feels like a breakout game for the disappointing former Alabama RB. Henry’s stiff arm is underrated.
Texans v Colts
Andrew Luck and the Colts scored ZERO points last week. The Colts remind me of the mall store, Spencer’s. It is the only mall store in the history of mall stores that is not available at Mall of America. Spencer’s got shutout, too!
Bills v Jets
Two teams full of nothing but mall cops.
Patriots v Dolphins
The Dolphins are the only NFL team that smells like a Tommy Bahama store.
Chiefs V Ravens
Patrick Mahomes looks like a guy who was once the only male member of his town’s JC Penny Teen Board and was the hit of the spring fashion show.
Packers v Falcons
The Packers are now Cinnabon, which always has an “Now Hiring” sign. The Falcons remind me of the guy playing Christmas songs on the piano in front of 9 retirees and, well, The Commissioner. He’s talented, for sure, in the “Man, what are you doing here?” way. And yet, here he is. I thought he could get a better gig just as I thought the Falcons were a better football team.
Panthers v Browns
The Panthers are on a four game losing streak. They are the mall equivalent of Sears. The Browns are the old mall in your town that closed and nobody knows what to do with empty shell.
Saints V Bucs
The Saints are Santa Claus, the reason every mom brings their kid to the the mall. The Bucs are Santa’s helpers, the completely replaceable, odd looking, bizarrely dressed, flunkies whose only job is to keep you from snapping a free photo of Santa from outside the “North Pole” display.
Giants v Washington
Real men never get a haircut at the mall. The Giants and Washington are the NFL’s Super Kuts!
Broncos v Niners
Just a couple of seasonal kiosks selling spatulas with logos, printed calendars, scented lint balls, and laser printed t-shirts with a photo of your aunt’s poodle on the sleeve.
Chargers v Bengals
It’s a game that is simply the Rainforest Cafe, come to life.
Lions v Cardinals
Even in a mall with nothing but the finest examples of America’s Great Mall Stores, there is still one mom and pop store selling crafts or jams or cheap t-shirts that will be gone by next Christmas. That’s the Lions v Cardinals game.
Cowboys v Eagles
The Cowboys are the Zale’s of football. Shiny, pricey, occasionally attractive and wholly useless.
Steelers v Raiders
A game between two teams with more Mean Girls drama than those 12 high school girls hanging out in front of the Claire’s.
Rams v Bears
A Rams fan parks the Lexus outside of Nordstrom, shops in Nordstrom, then leaves without ever entering the full mall. The Bears fans enter in groups of 7 and head straight to the Hooter’s on the 4th floor.
Seahawks v Vikings
American malls are dying. If Mall of America, the largest such building of it’s kind in the world, wants to survive, it needs a deal with the NFL.
Tear out the amusement park and install three full football fields in the center of the building. Keep everything else exactly the same. Suddenly, Mall of America is Jerry World, with a ‘better’ food court and a Gap.
Then, each Sunday, play three NFL games simultaneously on those fields. If the Vikings have a road game, they can just move to the other end of the mall.
This allows 6 fan bases to commingle on the mall concourses. It’s as close as we’ll come to a live Red Zone. Everybody wins.
Except the Jets.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 