November 30, 2017
Good Day Grover Pickers,
Some advice for football teams and fans for the coming penultimate weekend of college football and merely the next fascinating week of NFL.
The advice falls into four categories:
Hire. Fire. Bench. Talib.
The first three are common. The fourth, “Talib”, refers to the actions of vagabond defensive back (currently in Denver) and eternal troubled youth Aquib Talib who, for the second time in two seasons, yanked a gold chain from around the neck of Raiders receiver Michael Crabtree. He did this not to steal the chain, but simply to insult Crabtree. There’s a lot of this ‘Talib’ action going on, but it’s not always obvious.
Tennessee Coach-
HIRE someone to put out the tire fire in the athletic department. Then, HIRE an attorney to defend the school and the guy with the spray paint in the defamation lawsuit that must be coming. FIRE the athletic director. BENCH Brady Hoke and his staff for lying to your best player and then kicking him off a team he won’t even be coaching next season.
Also, whatever you do Vol fans, DO NOT LOOK THE PAT SUMMIT STATUE IN THE EYE THIS WEEK. She’s giving you all that glare and she might TALIB you. She should. She Would.
Florida Coach-
HIRE a defensive coordinator who will get the ball back to the offense. The Gators are fixing to score points again! FIRE whoever was was in charge of stocking the concessions at Florida Field last weekend. They all ran out of food. HIRE an ophthalmologist to screen Felipe Franks. A friend suggested after Franks’ third interception, “I believe Felipe Franks is legally blind.”
FSU Coach-
BENCH the legacy of Bobby Bowden. He ‘aw shucks-ed’ everyone into thinking he was some humble servant leader just trying to help young men out, but really, he was a slick sham artist who taught you all to accept bad behavior from players and keep putting them on the field where Mickey Andrews taught them to skirt the rules of the game. Now, you’ve got a terrific coach and he can’t wait to leave you. Try not to embarrass yourselves as much as the Vols have during your coaching search. BENCH- the idea that you are going to attract all the most famous coaches. TALIB- is what Jimbo is doing to your program if/when he leaves for the SEC.
A&M Coach-
BENCH Reveille, the dog. The Aggies are the girl in the bar who thinks she sounds great covering Celine Dion songs on the Karaoke machine and deserves a record deal or at least a Top 3 finish on the Voice. HIRE- a new lounge singer, or any guy you can find named ‘Jimbo’.
Ole Miss Coach-
HIRE- a PR firm to build a social media campaign to explain who you just hired to be the head coach. HIRE- a search firm to locate the next coach, because those ‘interim-to-permanent’ hires rarely work. FIRE- any remaining escorts. BENCH- your ambitions. TALIB is what those Mississippi State alumni did when they got the dirt on your former crooked coach.
Mississippi State-
FIRE- the guy you just hired to coach football. HIRE- Jon Gruden. Just to annoy the UT faithful. It’s a fantastic TALIB move.
Arizona State-
HIRE- Herm Edwards. TALIB- what Herm will do if he catches a player or coach wearing more than two pieces of jewelry.
Stanford v USC
BENCHED!- The winner of the PAC 12 doesn’t even get to go to the Rose Bowl this year because it’s a playoff game. The winner gets to go to San Antonio and play in the Alamo Bowl. Remember the Alamo, Forget the Pac 12.
Miami v Clemson
TALIB- what the Tigers intend to do with Miami’s turnover chain. The Hurricanes are making this too easy.
Oklahoma v TCU
BENCH Sooners QB Baker Mayfield for 3 plays next time he misbehaves, not just 2 plays. Three plays will show him that you are REALLY mad! HIRE a stylist to make sure Baker Mayfield looks good at the Heisman ceremony and HIRE a baby sitter for Baker Mayfield in NYC.
Auburn v Georgia
HIRE- Gus Malzhan at Arkansas. FIRE- Kirby Smart now. He’s got a loss. He can’t win the big one. Program is heading in the wrong direction. It’s not the right fit. TALIB- what Auburn does to Bama every time the Tide visit Jordan- Hare. War Eagle!
Ohio State v Wisconsin
FIRE- Urban Meyer. He’s got two losses and the program hasn’t made the college playoffs in over a season. Plus, he employs a defensive coordinator, Greg Schiano, who coordinated three different Top 5 defenses (OSU is currently 8th int he nation in defense) and won a national coach of the year award at Rutgers, but who could never be successful at Tennessee. Urban’s clearly lost his magic. BENCH- all the photographers in Ohio and southern Michigan. To quote Shooter McGavin, ‘This is football! Have some respect!”
BADGER!- Wisconsin should HIRE a real badger as a sideline mascot. Wisconsin once had a real- life badger as their mascot. However, the animal proved too mean, and it was replaced in the 1940’s. Bring Back The Real Badger! In fact, get 3 of them.
Falcons v Vikings
HIRE- to plan all NFL end zone celebrations- whichever player came up with the Vikings Thanksgiving touchdown celebration that had the offense sitting in a circle around a ‘turkey’ as they all passed the mashed potatoes and feasted. Seeing QB Case Keenum sitting crossed legged pantomiming nibbling corn on the cob is one of my favorite football images of the year.
Saints v Panthers
BENCH- whichever NY Jet stole the football after Cam Newton scored last week, depriving the QB a chance to gift the ball to a child. Poor Cam, after running a 1 yard bootleg and spending 12 minutes preening and congratulating himself, by himself, in the end zone, he was upset when he couldn’t find the ball. Why are the Jets so mean to Cam? He did run for the entire yard.
Patriots v Bills
BENCH Nathan Peterman permanently. In fact, build a new bench just for Nathan. TALIB- what Bills coach Sean McDermott did to QB Tyrod Taylor by benching him. Seems like Tyrod got the message. TALIB- what Belichick is doing to every team in the league, every week.
Raiders v Giants
BENCH Eli Manning. FIRE the NY Giants coach and GM. TALIB- what happened when the practice squad player broke Geno Smith’s jaw a few years ago. HIRE Eli to coach the Giants starting now. HIRE- another jeweler to replace or repair Michael Crabtree’s chain. HIRE the Denver Broncos to run security at your next big event. As I saw it, Talib was the only Bronco actually trying to fight a Raider. All the other Broncos were either, A) pulling TALIB away from Crabtree in order to protect Crabtree, or B) standing between TALIB and Crabtree in order to protect Crabtree. The Broncos teammates are clearly so afraid of TALIB’s danger to society that even they took the humane step of protecting an opponent while making it look like they were ‘helping their teammate’. Recall, Talib shot himself in the leg with a gun he was using to pistol whip a guy. He got the gun from his mom, who gave it to him just so he could pistol whip a guy. His mom got the gun from her mom, who had used it to shoot Talib’s uncle. Everyone on that field was protecting everyone else from Aquib Talib, his mom, and his grandmother. HIRE Marshawn Lynch as your local town’s mayor. Twice this year Lynch as stepped in to protect players from other teams. He should be the NFL’s Man of the Year.
Official Grover Picks Predicted Playoff Teams 1. Clemson 2. Oklahoma 3. Georgia 4. Wisconsin
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
2-Time Defending Grover Picks Weekly Genius
The Grover Picks 