December 19, 2018
Good Day Grover Pickers,
Your Commissioner finds himself on the road once more, so you are reading LIVE as I’m writing from the Brass Iguana Lounge at the Ramada Inn in Fort Wayne, Indiana.
This is a Very Special Grover Picks Double Issue! We have games going on as I type and on 13 of the next 15 consecutive days!
Last week The Commissioner enjoyed the gracious hospitality of TEXASTOAST, DESERTHUSKER2 and HUSKERZAG in Lincoln, Nebraska. It turns out that almost half of the Grover Pickers are either in media or food scientists, including all of our Nebraska friends. BWAHL729, OBIEWAN75, EDHALEY and several others- all food science types.
The Lincoln Pickers sent me to Leadbelly for an authentic Midwest dinner and the local back alley porter. Then, they sent me to the University of Nebraska’s “Food Industry Complex – Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources”, which, as you would guess by the name, features an ice cream store!
The U Nebraska ice cream was fantastic… although… the nice students serving it indicated that ice cream is not as popular right now as the “Cheese Boxes”. Cheese boxes are cardboard squares containing several smaller rectangles of various U Nebraska made cheeses such as “Husker Cheese”, “Husker and Gold Cheese” and “Spinach and Artichoke”. Cheese boxes over ice cream is why Lincoln is a nice place to visit, but you shouldn’t stay too long.
For those of you wondering, There was a video playing on the Memorial Stadium scoreboard of Nebraska football highlights. It would appear from a distance that Lawrence Phillips just scored another touchdown against the Gators in 1996. Quite a feat given that he died in prison two years ago.
IMPORTANT HISTORICAL UPDATE MAYBE ONLY INTERESTING TO PAUL GROVE
Former Florida Gator Quarterback Kerwin Bell, he of the glorious mustache and macho crop top tearaway jersey, coached Valdosta State to the Division 2 football championship last weekend. Just another on a long list of coaching accomplishments that still elude Nick Saban.
ON TO THE PICKS…
BOCA RATON BOWL. UAB V NORTHERN ILLINOIS
By the time you read this, the game will be over. I wish you could watch it with me here at the lounge in the Ramada. Everyone in here, and it’s full, is wearing a red Santa hat or green reindeer antlers. There’s a woman who sewed blinking colored lights into her white coat. There are entire tables full of adults dressed for a pre- school Christmas party. A guy named Burt wearing a bright green sport coat printed with Santa faces is hosting trivia night. Burt is about 62 years old with a full head of hair and an AM radio voice. All the patrons are 55+ and all the questions seem to be about R. Kelly. I don’t understand that.
And then there is Duane. He’s a thin, long haired guy at the end of the bar wearing a Tuffy Automotive shirt. He clearly has money on the Boca Raton Bowl. Seems like Duane had the under on the points and the over on the Dew Drivers (equal parts vodka and Mountain Dew). I’m hoping for overtime because Duane claims he’s going to sing karaoke as soon as the game is finished. He says his favorite song is “I Will Always Love You.”
BAHAMAS BOWL. TOLEDO V FIU
Congratulations to bowl season winners Toledo and FIU. Toledo finished second in MAC West behind NIU. FIU was third in CUSA East. You don’t have to be great to spend your holiday in the Bahamas. Second best is good enough AND you avoid games in Detroit, Boise, Montgomery, Shreveport… and Boca Raton. Speaking of RBs named Phillips in jail, FIU RB Shawndarrius Phillips was arrested last week on a warrant issued last JULY! He played the whole season without the local law figuring a way to lure him into custody. That’s an RB with some serious wiggle!
IDAHO POTATO BOWL. BYU V WESTERN MICHIGAN
I get it. Idaho has potatoes. But what does Fort Wayne have? Apples. Specifically, apple seeds. More to the point, Fort Wayne is the final resting spot of the real and actual Johnny Appleseed. I’m a proponent of Fort Wayne hosting an Apple Seed Bowl starting next season. Duane is with me. He thinks it’s a great idea, but there is no football stadium here. Duane says he’s going to build a stadium in downtown Fort Wayne with the money he makes gambling this bowl season. I don’t know if I believe him, but I’m not going to argue with a transmission expert/karaoke star whose more lit than the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.
BIRMINGHAM BOWL. MEMPHIS V WAKE FOREST
It’s a disgrace upon all of college football that Birmingham, a cultural Mecca of very little other than college football, must host a team like Wake Forest, an ACC school culturally bereft of football heritage and skill.
This Brass Iguana is fully decorated tonight, more than the average Ramada. Becky, the manager, went to the Dollar Tree and bought cardboard silver snowflakes and red reindeer cutouts to dangle from the ceiling tiles. The bartender, Morris, is talking about world peace with the two youngest women here and an overweight dude in a yellow shirt that says “Crowd Control” on the back. This is really happening! According to the bartender, America would be better off with a Samurai culture rather than the traditional nuclear arms culture if we want peace on earth. The girls seem to like samurai.
HAWAI’I BOWL. HAWAII V LOUISIANA TECH
Congratulations to Louisiana Tech. Two summer ago The Commissioner made a scouting mission to a LaTech football practice in Ruston, LA. Ruston is a fine place compared to living in an empty food waste dumpster. So, fo the Bulldogs, visiting Hawaii is better than beating Alabama for a National Title. You expect at least a few of LaTech players to ‘defect’ to Hawaii just as the Cuban baseball players used to do. Serious question for the Grover Pickers- How come the Bowl is spelled with an apostrophe “i”, but the team is a plain “ii”?
PRO GAMES THAT INTERRUPT BOWL GAMES
PANTHERS V FALCONS
Hey VOLUNATOR and PROGNOSTIG8R…. our Grover Picks season leaders…. pick this! Two disappointing teams with nothing to play for but lifelong injuries, fake pride, and a lower draft pick. What? No. That’s not a shot at Duane.
PATRIOTS V BILLS
Finally, the Patriots are done. The QB is too old. The coach has started sleeping in his office during the day. This Patriots team makes lots of mistakes. The Stinkin’ Jets have more players voted to the Pro Bowl than the Patriots. Meanwhile, the Bills fans, not the most rational of fan bases, insist that their rookie quarterback Josh Allen is Baker Mayfield, but taller, more handsome, and with a better personal hygiene. I wonder how they would know.
I’ve just learned from Burt, because he has a microphone, that tonight’s trivia contest is a fundraiser for a local charity. So far the patrons have raised $31, which is a new record for a Tuesday night. I wish I was making that up.
Duane has moved to the middle of the bar now, closer to the girls talking with the bartender. Duane declares he is also for world peace, but suggests that ninja culture is more beneficial than samurai culture. He does this by pulling a throwing star from his shirt pocket, holding it to his nose while staring at the bartender, and whispering so he can be overheard throughout the bar, “I AM the Christmas ninja an this is the North Star!”
Where are the three wisemen when you need them?
BENGALS V BROWNS
On an airplane flight, the folks sitting in the exit rows must be prepared to take action in the event of an emergency. What happens if there are no passengers sitting in the emergency row and there is an ‘event’? The Cincinnati Bengals is what happens. The Bengals were a popular pick to lose another first round playoff game this season. The Browns were a popular pick to lose 16 straight. Now, with Santa warming up the sleigh, the Cleveland Browns are a 7-point FAVORITE over the Bengals. The Browns have fired their coach, who was then hired by the Bengals, whose coach has still not been fired. At least, that’s how Duane explained it to me. Maybe that whole story is just a drunken rant. It’s a story that makes more sense as a drunken rant.
SAINTS V STEELERS
BIG QB vs little qb. One coach who wants to be thought of as genius. The other wants a team of dudes who will bite your ear off. Should be fun.
In the last 90 minutes Burt has asked and answered a total of 9 questions. The charity only got $31, but Bert’s lethargic pace is getting it done for the bar tonight. My favorite question so far is, “In Christmas Story, where does the dad hide the Red Rider BB Gun?”
CHEEZ IT BOWL TCU v Cal
These two schools used to have some pride. Once you play in the Cheez It Bowl, however, you’ve committed the football equivalent of going out in public wearing antlers, a tacky red sweater, yoga pants, and green and red blinking socks. I’m not talking about the woman with too much makeup and a blond age inappropriate wig who laughs at every lame joke Burt tells. I’m not.
PINSTRIPE BOWL. MIAMI V WISCONSIN IN YANKEE STADIUM
An insult to football and baseball.
TEXAS BOWL. BAYOR V VANDY
A similar offense to the Birmingham Bowl. Those of a certain generation, or any age really, know that Baylor is not a Texas football school. It wants to be for Baptists what BYU is for Mormons and Notre Dame is for Regis Philbin. Instead, it’s what Vanderbilt is. A private school with high academic standards, recent history of criminal football behavior, and just enough wins to get into a bowl every few years. Nothing special.
Duane’s stadium fund is taking a big hit every time UAB scores so I bought him a Drunken Elf. It’s a drink with crime de men the, Fireball, and mashed up candy canes.
MUSIC CITY BOWL. AUBURN V PURDUE
The Little Brother Bowl. Two schools with plenty to be proud of but without the brand name of Big Brother at Bama and IU.
PEACH BOWL MICHIGAN V FLORIDA
I asked my server, Jennifer, who she likes in the Peach Bowl, the Wolverines or the Gators. Turns out Jennifer’s aunt once dated Tyrone Wheatley and she thinks Harbaugh looks good in the khaki’s. Then, she adds, while standing in front of me wearing a pale blue ugly sweater with an image of Bigfoot wearing a bikini and a Santa hat sewn on the front, “People in Florida are weird.”
Even the people in the Fort Wayne Ramada dressed like an Anne Geddes holiday photo gone wrong and playing trivia on a Tuesday night think Floridians are the weird ones? I guess it’s hard to argue. I’ll still leave a tip, but I’m not happy about it.
BELK BOWL. SOUTH CAROLINA V VIRGINIA
The Belk tagline is “Modern. Southern. Style.” At least these two teams are Southern.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF
COTTON BOWL. CLEMSON V NOTRE DAME
What does Notre Dame do well? I asked Duane and all he can shout is, “Leprechauns Gonna Git You Sucka! Leprechauns. Gonna. Git. You! ”, so I bought him a Gettin’ Blitzen (bourbon and muscadine). In the future, when people discuss this mismatch, they will wonder, “Was Clemson’s blowout of Notre Dame a playoff game?”, just like people ask today, “Is Diehard a Christmas movie?”
ORANGE BOWL. OKLAHOMA V ALABAMA
Here in Fort Wayne, the locals, including Duane, are proud to say they invented the first home video game. The Odyssey was a machine invented and built by Magnavox here in Fort Wayne. In 1972, it was the first game of it’s type. If you had one, you connected it to the one 300-pound, 19-inch color TV console in your house and watched a black and white blip move across the screen. Neighbors came from as far as two streets over to see it and you had to disconnect it before Sanford and Son came on or dad would yell. Alabama is the Odyssey game. Old, boring, the kids are sick of it, and now we’d unplug it to watch anything else, even reruns of Maude.
What we need, what we want, what’s right for America, the idea that’s going to give Duane enough hope to go home before sunup, is for Oklahoma to play like a modern video game and put up 70. Endless scoring is the way to beat Bama. Score touchdowns every possession Sooners. Plus, we’ve seen the Oklahoma defense so you know Bama will score on every possession.
NEW YEARS EVE
REDBOX BOWL. OREGON V MICHIGAN STATE
Isn’t this the Blockbuster Bowl with a slightly different name? It sounds like takeout from a communist deli.
GATOR BOWL. TEXAS A&M V NC STATE
I’m typing and trying to think of agriculture jokes here when the woman with too much makeup and the blond wig steps to the bar. She’s in her late 50’s and I’m reminded again that yoga pants are not actually ‘pants’.
She orders two Flaming Zombies then looks at the only out-of-towner in the joint and asks, “What are you doing with all the typing, stranger?”
“I’m trying to figure out the Gator Bowl matchup between the Aggies and the Wolfpack,” I kindly reply.
She says, “When Jimbo was at FSU, he was 5-2 against NC State. He knows the Pack. The Aggies want to run the ball, but NC State is 12th in the nation stopping the run. Still, the Aggie QB, Mond, is gorgeous and as a runner he should be able to gash NC State’s front seven. On the other side, the Aggies are even better against the run, ranking 10th in FBS, so that puts everything on NCSU’s QB, Ryan Finley. He’s handsome and also really good, but if the Pack can’t gain yards on the ground with Gallaspy, Finley won’t be as effective. The Aggie kicker, Seth Small, has better range than NC State’s Chris Dunn, but Dunn is much more consistent. Take the Aggies straight up, take NC State and the points. The real play is the under, sweetheart.”
I ask her to repeat that and I type the paragraph you just read. I must have looked very surprised because as she grabs the two Flaming Zombies, fully flaming now, and turns her attention back to Burt, she says, “Don’t look so surprised. Sam Wyche’s brother was my third step-father.”
Fort Wayne never disappoints.
MORE NFL INTERRUPTING BOWL GAMES
COWBOYS V GIANTS
Eli’s Last Stand.
COLTS V TITANS
Could be very compelling, or could be 6-3 with 19 turnovers.
BROWS V RAVENS
Let’s say the Browns have beaten the Bengals the previous week. There is a scenario where, if the Browns beat Baltimore AND the Titans and Colts tie, the Browns win the tiebreaker and get a wildcard playoff berth. Then in the first playoff round, Cleveland might earn a third game against the Steelers, a team the Browns are poised to defeat, which leads to a road game in Kansas City and we all know the Chiefs always lose in the Division Round, which puts the Browns in the AFC Championship Game against their old coach, Bill Belichik and his washed up, undermanned crew of robots. OMG! The Browns are going to the Super Bowl! The Browns are going to the Super Bowl! Duane! Can you believe it?
Not even Duane believes it. Then it occurs to me that the Browns are just another bartender talking up a couple of disinterested girls.
FINALLY! NEW YEAR’S DAY FOOTBALL!
CITRUS BOWL. PENN STATE V KENTUCKY
Have these two schools every played each other in anything? Winner for weirdest matchup of schools you’ve heard of. Name one thing these schools have in common besides they both use a brown oblong spheroid thingy.
FIESTA BOWL. LSU V UCF
The Most Important Game of Bowl Season. A UCF victory ensures an 8 team playoff, legitimizes the leagues outside the Power 5, earns LSU a yearlong suspension from the SEC, causes OPEC to raise the price of oil, determines the gender of Megan and Prince Harry’s baby, earns home field advantage for the American League at the next baseball All-Star Game, and ends Duane’s last big chance to earn stadium building money for Fort Wayne.
ROSE BOWL. OHIO STATE V WASHINGTON
Everything about this game is awesome because it’s in Pasadena. It would not be The Granddaddy of Them All if they played here in Fort Wayne. It would be the Second Cousin of them All. Maybe third cousin.
SUGAR BOWL. GEORGIA V TEXAS
Duane’s picking “Tessuhhhhhs”, because he likes cowboy hats and once rode a mechanical bull when he was in the Air Force near Austin.
Merry Christmas All. Happy New Year. The dad hides the Red Rider BB Gun behind a desk.
Enjoy the Picks. Our NFL schedule ends here. After the college playoff we’ll add the championship game to our list and see, once and for all, who is the Grandest, Greatest Grover Picker of Them All.
Duane’s Uber has arrived. He just wobbled out the door after reminding Hostess Jennifer, “I’m the Muffler Man!” Burt is still here and the blond wig is still staring at him. They are up to question 14. I’m looking forward to getting back to the hotel. The public access channel here is everything you’d expect. Tonight they’ve got the Paul Solbin Show, which features a 70 year old guy in a bright yellow shirt and a red top hat in front of a green screen of Las Vegas doing hidden cup tricks.
I’m The Commissioner saying, So Long For Now, from the Lizard Lounge at the Ramada Inn in Fort Wayne, Indiana.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 