September 25, 2018
Good Day Grover Pickers,
It is I, your Commissioner, the current leader of the season long Grover Picks, and Great Declarer of Truths, Innuendos, and Idiocy With Scant Forethought.
If you, Dear Picker, have wavered in your trust of The Commissioner’s grand, weekly proclamations, then fear not! You are forgiven your doubt and in the following billion words offered a new chance to hear the truth and know that I, The Commissioner, based on picks accuracy over 4 weeks, including a few lucky field goals, some cancelled games, and hoodwinking you all with last week’s Purdue v Boston College sucker pick, am always willing to type even more words about the world’s favorite sport: Mockery.
THE COMMISSIONERS TOP 5 AUTOMOTIVE PET PEEVES (and ties)
-Please speed up to merge onto an expressway.
-Emergency flashing lights on your car indicate you are stopped. They do not indicate “I’m driving in heavy rain.”
-1-877-Kars4Kids
-U Turns from a lane with a lead light.
-Siri is giving the directions. Everyone else please shut up.
-Cruise Control is your best friend on the highway. Try it sometime because the phone, the radio, the steering wheel and the cheeseburgers are preventing you from maintaining a consistent speed and now, after I passed you because you were putting along 10 mph below the speed limit, you are passing me at 15mph over the speed limit and then slowing back down to 4 mph under the speed limit, and on and on. You are a menace to all that is good in the world. Pullover. Finish your cheeseburger. Turn off your emergency lights. And find the cruise control button.
WHAT WE KNOW
Fitzmagic is fleeting, as in, “Poof. I made the interceptions disappear!” “Poof. I made the interceptions reappear!”
A Nick Saban coached team has never defeated Old Dominion. Neither has Virginia Tech coach Justin Fuente, so Justin is in good company.
Oregon QB Justin Herbert is terrific. He threw just 2 incompletions during regulation time versus Stanford. Then, he threw 4 incompletions in one overtime period. Still, you wish he was your quarterback.
You can say this about the Browns, at least they are not the Texans or the Raiders. Or the Jets!
WHAT WE DON’T KNOW
When does Scott Frost arrive to coach at Nebraska? Is that next season?
The Steelers have created enough of their own drama. When will any of the Pittsburgh Steelers be drawn into the ongoing legal kerfuffle surrounding (Editor’s Note: The Commissioner was about to make a reference to a political and/or social issue currently in the news. Such references are forbidden by International Convention On Ridiculous Grover Picks Communication. Therefore, his reference has been stricken from this note and you may substitute any scandal you wish that fits your own cultural world view. We apologize for the inconvenience.)
I may have finally figured out what a ‘catch’ is. Now I have to go back and figure out what ‘roughing the passer’ is.
TEAMS THAT LOOK GOOD NOW, BUT JUST WAIT…
Arizona Cardinals- In a few weeks they will wish they were still just 0-3.
Cleveland Browns- Unfortunately, don’t get to play the Jets every week.
Charlotte 49ers- Undefeated in the conference, but see note about Old Dominion in the “Surprises” section.
Alabama Crimson Tide- This won’t last forever. Someday Nick Saban is going to have to deal with Old Dominion.
DISSAPOINTMENTS
Army West Point Golden Knights- You had Oklahoma beat on the road and then you tried to throw a pass. Fail.
Tennessee Volunteers- You know why. (But if you don’t know, it’s the turnovers and the poor blocking and tacking, inability to run the ball, inability to throw the ball, less-than-Colquit-like special teams AND stadium hot dogs are consistently undercooked.)
Jason Witten on Monday Night Football. Why do they make Booger McFarland ride around on the camera cart like he’s reporting the game from a ferris wheel? He’s 1,000 times better than Witten. Let Booger Inside!
SURPRISES
Buffalo Bills. Absolutely nobody knew they were capable of winning an NFL game.
Old Dominion. The Monarchs lost to UNC Charlotte, a team made up of dwarfs, librarians, and overweight retirees. Then, we’ll never know how, ODU found a way to beat Virginia Tech. All of which leads to a sentence that has never been uttered in the history of mankind: “It’s a thrilling night in Norfolk!”
THIS WEEK’S GAMES
Miami Hurricanes v UNC Tar Heels
We are picking this game not because of loyal Grover Pickers and Cane fans like ALL ABOUT THE U and HURRICANEJACK, or because of Chapel Hill friends like CATDADDY TARHEEL. We pick this game to point out that there are truckloads of excellent high school football players in North Carolina and, yet, UNC is unable to build a stable, competitive football program. While Miami is constantly day dreaming of the day we go back in time to 1989 or 2001, Tar Heels are constantly day dreaming about basketball season. It’s a character flaw in pale blue.
Rams v Vikings
Thursday night NFL football should be discontinued UNLESS:
1. Rosters expand to 63 players, plus 5 on a practice squad
2. Games are only played in international stadiums
3. Teams playing on Thursday may only play immediately after a bye week
4. The permanent, Thursday-Only announcing crew includes:
-Play-by-Play- Dick Stockton
-Color Analysis (Booth) – Peyton Manning and Stephen A. Smith
-Sideline reporting – Norm McDonald and Kevin Hart
-Replay analysis by Papi LeBatard
-Pre-game Host – Ron Burgundy and Ted Lasso
-Halftime Commentary- Mina Kimes and Booger McFarland
-Post-game Interviews and Judgements- by Sarah Spain and Judge Judy
#1 North Dakota State v #3 South Dakota State
It’s the FCS version of Alabama vs Clemson playing a regular season game. This is the 108th meeting between these schools, the 14th most played rivalry in college. It’s the 15th Annual Dakota Marker Game. Recall from previous posts, the winner takes home the Dakota Marker Trophy, which commemorates “The Worst Summer Job Ever” in which Charles Bates placed 720 quartzite makers at half mile intervals along the border of North and South Dakota in 1891 and 1892.
This game is also the 28th annual Trees Bowl Game sponsored by the North Dakota Forest Service. The NDSU Bison are 24-3 in Trees Bowl games. There will also be drone flights over the tailgating area and the Fargo Dome for a project with the ND Department of Transportation. NDSU has installed 30 new walk-through metal detectors as well, so arrive early. Whew! There’s a lot going on here! We aren’t in Norfolk anymore! Watch all the action on ESPN+.
Georgia v Tennessee
Good news Vol fans! The Bulldogs are a bit overrated right now. Bad news Vol fans! Tennessee won’t notice the difference.
Purdue v Nebraska
The old television show “Emergency” featured paramedics Gage and DeSoto in Los Angeles in the late 1960s constantly hovering over victims while calling Nurse Dixie McCall at Rampart General for advice on treatment options. Nurse McCall always had to ask Dr. Bracket for permission to prescribe the exact same remedy for every single victim, regardless of injury type. “Administer 10cc’s of ringers lactate, stat!” It worked. Every time. The Cornhuskers, in need of revival and metaphorically lying busted and bloodied on a sidewalk next to The Big House, could use at least 10cc’s of that magic juice.
Florida v Mississippi State
Quick… name the Mississippi State coach…Nope, that guy coaches Florida now. The Bulldogs coach is Joe Moorhead. I don’t know much about him. It hardly matters since he’s at Mississippi State. If your curious, here Joe’s office phone number. 662-325-2539. Let us know if you find out anything.
Ohio State v Penn State
This game is a “White Out” in which all of the fans are wearing white. Why’s it always got to be white?
Also, in the most recent Wall Street Journal Report on American universities, Ohio State was rated the 94th best school and Penn State was 104th. OSU did better on ‘Resources’ and Penn State did better in “Engagement”. The Ohio State cost of attendance is $27,000 plus 35% of your dignity. The Penn State cost of attendance is $19,000 and you get a lifetime supply of white socks and denial. OSU accepts 49% of applicants while Penn State accepts 51%. Both schools’ freshman class had SAT scores between 1300 and 1420 and ACT scores between 28-32 (middle 50%). Essentially, these two schools are duplicates of each other, united by diverging scandals and the will to win the Big 10 and lose to Alabama in the playoff. If we’re getting technical, and if we’re not making jokes, just about any Ohio State scandal pales in comparison to the historical scandals at Penn State and the scandal current Penn State coach James Franklin left behind at Vanderbilt. It’s not close.
Patriots v Dolphins
Patriots new motto: ‘We’re on to mediocrity”. Tom Brady is a washed up, has-been, weak-armed, new aged voodoo drinking, over-the-hill chump. With 5 Super Bowl Rings. Also, that was last week. It may be different this week. In any case, he’s no Ryan Tannehill.
Indianapolis v Houston
Has there ever been a single event across the grand swath of entertainment, sports, culture, recreation, or intellectual curiosity that has been both inspiring AND involved the words “Indianapolis v Houston”?
Happy Picking (and Happy Motoring)
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 