December 20, 2017
Good Day Grover Pickers,
You may now make picks for this week AND next week, through the New Years bowl games. There will be no Commissioner email next week as I have volunteered for a post-Christmas sanitation engineering job scooping reindeer poop off the homes of the less fortunate in southwest Ukraine. Can’t type and shovel reindeer poop at the same time.
Here is a copy of my letter to Santa this year. Enjoy.
Dear Santa,
I know you are busy this week, but, what with being magical and all those elves, I hope you can carve out some time to consider my Grover Picks Football Wish List for 2017.
Santa, the college bowl games are all afoul. This Christmas, I want you to fix it.
The Bowl Games, you see, fit naturally into a certain set of categories full of natural, almost organic, rivalries and associations. And yet, come early December, the naughty people are always mismatching everything with meaningless bowl affiliations, velvety cash grabs, and cowardice (I’m looking at you, Texas Bowl).
You can fix it, Santa. You and the elves and even that creepy snowman dude in the vest and monocle who narrates the Rankin/Bass Christmas classic story of Rudolph.
Here are my suggestions.
Party Bowls- Gasparilla, Fiesta, Holiday
These are the games for America’s elite party schools. Wisconsin wears red, so they host the Holiday Bowl. East Carolina are the Pirates, so they host Gasparilla. Iowa hosts the Fiesta Bowl because you can’t have a Fiesta without corn.
Proximity Bowls- Bahamas, Hawaii, Birmingham, Heart of Dallas,Texas, Music City, Arizona
You can tell how good your season went by the location of your Bowl game. Therefore, the four teams that finish 5,6,7 and 8 in the College Playoff Rankings are matched up in the Bahamas Bowl and the Hawaii Bowl. They earned it!
The school with the best band in the land hosts the Music City Bowl, so Stanford goes there.
The winner of the Northwestern v Illinois game gets an automatic bid to the Arizona Bowl where 73% of former Illinois residents currently live.
The state of Texas doesn’t give two used spurs and a dented spittoon for what the rest of America thinks, so they can do what they want with local teams in the Dallas and Texas bowls, but, since they can’t get Texas and Texas A&M to play each other, what’s the point? They are all a bunch of yella-bellied, flea-bitten, stanky hat wearin’, varmint’ eatin’, Oklahoma Sooner Wannabes.
Finally, Birmingham. Since you can tell how good your season went by the location of your Bowl game, this should feature Kent State, the worst D1 program historically, versus Kansas, the worst D1 program presently. They should play in Birmingham every year. They earned it.
America Bowls-
Armed Forces, Independence, Military, Alamo, Liberty
The three service acadamies each host a game with the winner of the Commander In Chief Trophy hosting the Armed Forces Bowl. Then, Texas A&M and the Corps of Cadets defend the Liberty Bowl. The best team from any of the original 13 colonies then goes to the Liberty Bowl- so that is a team from Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Delaware, Pennsylvania. New Jersey, New York, Virginia, Maryland, North Carolina, South Carolina or Georgia. The opponents in these games should always be the most “hippie schools” available such as Cal Berkley, Sarah Lawrence, UC Santa Cruz, Oberlin, NYU and Vermont or any team from the Patriot League.
Consumerism Bowls- Quicklane, Dollar General, Outback, New Era Pinstripe, Foster Farms, Camping World, Belk, TaxSlayer, Idaho Potato
This is where the big time college programs that are here for the money and the welfare of employee-athletes go to collect some loot. Some of these are obvious like: the ND Irish hosting a Potato Bowl, FAU in the QuickLane Kiffin Bowl, whoever Jimbo is coaching is in the Dollar General Bowl.
We’ll let E!’s Fashion Police pick the two best dressed coaches in American and put them in the Belk Bowl. Everything about ‘TaxSlayer’, from the brand to the location in Jacksonville, FL, where there is no state income tax, just begs for the Florida Gators, when they can manage to be bowl eligible.
Arkansas is a nice fit for Camping World. Maybe they can play Harvard. That’d be an awesome tailgate matchup.
Nature, Flowers and Fruit Bowls- Sun, Cotton, Cactus, Citrus, Peach, Rose, Orange, Sugar,
These are the Bowls for champions and/or breakfast/brunch. They all remind us of something delicious, healthy or a giant ball of fire. Two games are reserved and rotated for the playoff games. All other conference champions from the 10 leagues, plus wild cards that must be division winners within those leagues, fill out the other 6 games. All games are played on New Years Day.
Any team with more than 5 scholarship seniors majoring in math, natural sciences, engineering, economics or Banjo starts the game with 3 points on the board. It’s a low bar, but that’s how you keep the student in student-athlete.
Thank you Santa for considering this list. I’ve been really good this year, unlike the Gators.
A few holiday thoughts on some pro games.
Vikings v Packers
In Minnesota, Case Keenum IS Santa Claus.
Bears v Browns-
Based on his Christmas tree picking ability, this is the game Charlie Brown would choose if you told him you had free tickets to any game he wished.
Panthers v Bucs
The Commissioner met Jerry Richardson exactly once for about 24 seconds. Until then, he was the local business hero who dreamed of putting the NFL in Charlotte. He didn’t seek public financing for his stadium.
When the Panthers joined the NFL it was fuel for a city that was already starting to catch fire on the way to becoming a gleaming New South city. Jerry Richardson, and the Panthers, are an essential part of the economic heart of the Carolinas.
At the same time, in just 24 seconds, it was obvious that Jerry Richardson is also reveling in the role of old South Gentleman- and not the pleasant, bow-tie wearing, sing-in-the-choir kind. Think of the character “Potter” from “It’s a Wonderful Life”, only with a drawl.
For all his effort and flaws, embarrassments and archaic cultural beliefs, he will sell the Panthers and pocket about $900,000,000 after taxes. That’ll teach him.
Rams v Titans
For the love of Frosty the Snowman, will someone PLEASE get a yellow sharpie and go fill in those white ram horns on the Rams’ helmets?! What in the wide, wide world of Lawrence McCutcheon are they doing? They paired the 1960’s helmets with the 2001 St. Louis Rams’ wrong version of blue and gold. It looks like Lady GaGa on a bad day and it is very annoying to me. Also, are the Titans any good?
Chiefs v Dolphins-
Curt Gowdy had the play by play call on December 25, 1971 when the Dolphins and Chiefs played for 82 minutes and 40 seconds, the longest NFL game ever. The Dolphins won that playoff game 27-24 in double overtime on Garo Yepremian’s 37 yard field goal. Since this week’s game isn’t in the playoffs, they won’t threaten the record. Since this week’s game features the erratic 2017 version of each team, they should consider playing the shortest game in NFL history and end it at halftime.
Cowboys v Seahawks-
Merry Christmas Cowboys, you get Zeke Elliot back this week. At this point in 2017, it’s like getting a flip phone for Christmas.
This is the last Grover Picks Advice Column for 2017. The Commissioner shall return at the dawn of 2018 as we finish the season with the College Playoff Championship.
You may make all your picks now for the next two weeks.
Happy Holidays.
and
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 