November 8, 2018
Good Day Grover Pickers,
Welcome to a special Thursday Morning Edition of the Regular Tuesday Night and Occasional Wednesday Morning Grover Picks Screed of Football Thought.
If you have ever read an entire one of these missives you may not believe that sometimes The Commissioner has nothing to say.
So, it took an extra day to write this week.
WHAT WE KNOW
If things had gone differently, Will Grier would be the Heisman frontrunner and posing for a statue to go next to Spurrier, Wuerffel and Tebow at Florida Field. But, alas, the only person capable of slowing Grier down is Jim McElwain.
Dana Holgerson does not need a haircut.
The 72 Dolphins are still the only team to… you know.
The Tennessee Volunteers are a punt return touchdown away from losing to Charlotte, a team previously described here as “a team made up of dwarfs, librarians, and overweight retirees.”
Missouri is obviously America’s best 5-4 team.
WHAT WE DON’T KNOW
The Commissioner has not watched a single second of an Alabama football game this season. What did I miss? This approach has a purpose. In case someone ever asks me, “What’s the best college offense you ever saw?” I will not have to answer, “Alabama”.
Will the Rams recover from losing to the Saints?
Is Jim Harbaugh still nuts? Or, now that Michigan is winning, is he just right?
SURPRISES
Only the Chiefs, Rams, Patriots and Saints have more wins than the Houston Texans, a team that started the season 0-3. Just 30 days ago, folks in Texas, such as Chris Nalls with Texanswire, said, “O’Brien has shown consistently he cannot handle the responsibilities of being an NFL coach, will not install an offensive coordinator to call the plays, and lacks offensive innovation in play-calling.”
CBS’ Jason LaConfornia suggested the Texans start a fire sale and trade JJ Watt, Whitney Mercillus and Jadaveon Clowney. The Texans have won 6 consecutive games. I guess Bill O’Brien drank some genius juice and suddenly has all the answers.
Neither UNC’s Larry Fedora nor Louisville’s Bobby Petrino have been fired, yet. There is no indication there is enough genius juice in all of the ACC to resurrect these programs.
Rick Pitino has a podcast. There may be too many podcasts.
DISAPPOINTMENTS
Rylan Wood, a second grader from Texas, wrote a letter this week to Jerry Jones that encapsulates everything we all want to say to the owner/athletic director of our favorite underperforming team.
“Dear Mr. Jones,
My name is Rylan Wood. I am a 7-year-old 2nd grade student in Mansfield, Texas. My family has been Dallas Cowboys fans since the team was started. I have a lot of Cowboy gear and I have met ‘Zeke, Taco, Jason Witten and two other players who play on other teams.
You have made my mom very mad because WE SUCK! Every game day she is yelling at the TV and turns off the game. We are wanting to believe in the boys but its hard. I hope “Coach Garrett” is clapping if this letter gets to you. See what happens when Dez X is gone?? The cheerleaders are better than the team this year. I do not want to hurt your feelings.
Thank you,
Rylan”
This entire letter rings true except for “I do not want to hurt your feelings.” Between the cosmetic surgeries, the piles of money, and the scotch, Jerry Jones no longer has any feelings to hurt.
PANTHERS V STEELERS
These are the largest quarterbacks in NFL history….
Jared Lorenzen, 6’4”, 275 lbs.
JaMarcus Russell, 6’6″ 265 lbs.
Daunte Culpepper, 6’4″ 264 lbs.
Tim Tebow, 6’3″ 245 lbs.
Donovan McNabb, 6’2″ 240 lbs.
Ben Roethlisberger, 6’5” 240 lbs.
Cam Newton, 6’5” 245 lbs.
Tonight’s Steelers v Panthers is the greatest matchup of giant quarterbacks since September 20, 2004 when Culpepper’s Vikings lost to McNabb’s Eagles. Actual Big Boy Football. McNabb and Culpepper were really good and successful, Roethlisberger and Newton are the best big QB’s ever by skill and team success. Newton is a much better dresser.
CLEMSON V BOSTON COLLEGE
This is a top 20 matchup, the main ABC game in prime time on Saturday night, with the right to represent the ACC Atlantic in the ACC Championship Game. Should be a showdown, but instead, Clemson is 20 point favorite. The mystery here is how many plays and players will Clemson put on film for the sole purpose of giving Nick Saban’s 83 assistant and quality control coaches something useless to ‘prepare for’ before the college playoff?
AUBURN V GEORGIA
This is ‘The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry’, dating to 1892. Auburn’s field is named for Pat Dye, a Georgia Graduate. Georgia’s athletic complex is named for Vince Dooley, an Auburn graduate. These programs are essentially cousins. They should do something familial this week. Both teams have to play Alabama in a few weeks.
It hardly matters which team wins Saturday, so they should get together at midfield, workout a scrimmage plan, and both just practice ways to defeat the Tide. This is the kind of teamwork required to avoid a completely dull college football playoff.
NOTRE DAME V FSU
It seems like this should be an important game. There was a time when the phone number to dial for weather and movie times was important, too. That time was 1981, the last season in which FSU did not earn a ‘bowl bid,’ as we used to say. The Noles were a mere 6-5 that season, including a 19-13 upset win at Notre Dame.
This was an era when Bobby Bowden would take FSU anywhere to play anybody as he built a juggernaut of a program. It worked. FSU has played in the post season for 36 consecutive years, the longest streak ever. Today, 6-5 would easily get you into a bowl game. Heck, FSU got in last year with a 5-7 record because, unlike 1981, there are not enough good teams to fill all of the bowl games. FSU currently stands at 4 wins, with Notre Dame, Boston College and Florida left to play.
The Seminoles are not going to a bowl this year. They are going to get the whooping this Saturday that they were expected to get in 1981. What will the players do while everyone else is playing in the bowl games FSU used to play in?
Here are the top 20 films of 1981. It’s a tremendous list. FSU should rent these on VHS from the nearest Blockbuster ( FSU beat Penn State in the first Blockbuster Bowl in 1990), and watch them as s team. Two of the films, The Cannonball Run and Sharkey’s Machine, star former FSU running back Burt Reynolds.
1 Raiders of the Lost Ark- a classic
2 On Golden Pond- won the awards Raiders earned
3 Superman II- unnecessary
4 Arthur- “If you get caught between the moon and New York City…”
5 Stripes- “Razzle Dazzle!”
6 The Cannonball Run- should have been an Oscar for Dom Delouise as Captain Chaos.
7 Chariots of Fire- all time theme song.
8 For Your Eyes Only- Bond.
9 The Four Seasons- forgettable
10 Time Bandits- weird and wonderful. The most 1978 film made in 1981.
11 Clash of the Titans (1981)- didn’t age well
12 Absence of Malice- Paul Newman and Sally Field.
13 Reds- we still hate commies, right?
14 The Fox and the Hound- Kurt Russell voices Disney animation
15 Tarzan, the Ape Man- Bo Derek!
16 Taps- George C. Scott takes on condo developers!
17 Sharky’s Machine – Burt Reynolds!
18 Excalibur- swords and sorcerers!
19 History of the World, Part I- Mel Brooks!
20 Bustin’ Loose- Richard Pryor profanity and race jokes.
PACKERS V DOLPHINS
If you are like most people, you are still thinking the Packers are good and Aaron Rodgers is excellent. You are thinking the Dolphins are a joke. Then you realize Green Bay is 3-4-1 and the 10th seed in the NFC while Miami is 5-4 and just a half game out of a playoff spot.
PATRIOTS V TITANS
Belichick is 11-5 versus his former assistants. One of those losses was to Matt Patricia and the Lions this season. Is Mike Vrabel the equal of Matt Patricia? Are the Titans the most boring thing to come out of Nashville since Keith Urban or Vanderbilt women’s basketball?
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 