October 4, 2017
Good Day Grover Pickers,
This feels like a crappy week to write goofy nonsense about football games.
I don’t feel like making fun of any of these teams. I don’t feel fun right now.
I’m writing this column while blasting and endless stream of Tom Petty Songs and you and I both know every one of them. I considered writing the entire column based on Petty songs, but that kind of silliness feels out of place given that he’s only the most famous person to die this week, not the most significant. I’ll just list some of the songs as I listen to them.
We need a little more joy. We need some good news. So, here are all the positive thoughts The Commissioner can conjure for this week’s games. I hope picking games, watching games, and rooting for your team brings happiness this week.
First up on the Petty playlist, American Girl, the Heartbreaker’s first hit.
Bucs v. Patriots
This is going to be difficult right from the start. The Bucs are owned by a family that’s clueless even by “Rich Elitist” standards. The Patriots are great, but we all think they cheat from time to time. So where’s the happy thought? How about this. Predicted humidity in Tampa on Sunday is only 77%. Yay!
Penn State v Northwestern
Seriously? I’m trying to be positive and now I’ve got Penn State? I guess their running back is exciting. Northwestern’s ‘Charlie Brown Striped” uniforms are… unique. The purple looks great even if the team still plays football like above-average students should.
Clemson v Wake
Finally! Something good! How ‘bout them Tigers? A man named Dabo has the defending national champs ready to repeat. The Demon Deacons are having a great season. Everybody in this game is feeling good! Plus, Clemson likely won’t face an NCAA investigation for several years!
“You Don’t Know How It Feels” from 1994’s Wildflowers album is now playing. Figures, since this Gator is supposed to say something nice about Georgia next.
Georgia v Vandy
The Commissioner likes red, so, I guess that’s a positive for UGA. Maybe the Bulldogs are going to breakthrough to the SEC Championship or even the playoff this year. Vandy is better than usual. Good for you Commodores.
Auburn v Ole Miss
Auburn is known as the ‘Loveliest Village on the Plain’ and Ole Miss is know for the loveliest co-eds in America. This is a beautiful game! Everybody should be happy here! The Commissioner needed an easy one. Thanks Tigers and Reb… Ole Miss. (that was close!)
UVA v Duke
The happiest folks at this game are the ones selling regimental stripe ties and khakis. Everyone else is bored, but they feel like they look good so they feel good about how they look. It’s good that they love themselves. That’s a positive. (This is so much harder than I thought it would be.)
“Into the Great Wide Open”, the title track from the 1991 album is playing. I can’t tell what the neighbors enjoy more right now- the volume of the music or my mighty voice singing above the stereo system.
TCU v WVU
This will be a fun, pleasant game between two schools that are both playing well and don’t have any particular hate or issue with each other. This will be a fine way to spend a glorious Saturday afternoon. Huh. I type that and feel like we should assign some moms to bring snacks and Gatorade for the players’ to enjoy after the game.
Notre Dame v UNC
The Commissioner admits here and now that the idea of writing nice, happy things about these games is a huge mistake. It’s not natural and for that The Commissioner is a bit ashamed.
When I see ‘Notre Dame v UNC’, the first thing I want to write is “Maybe the Irish can spend some time before the game teaching the UNC players to read,” but that violates the spirit of what I’m trying to do here. How about this- “The Commissioner’s friend “Mary” doesn’t think light blue is a terrible color for a football uniform. She thinks it’s, “handsome in a progressive sort of way.” I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or not. What about, “I’m sure Notre Dame will be almost as good as it’s fans remember them being sometime soon. And Brian Kelly seems like such a nice guy.” I don’t know. Rings hollow. I may have to come back to this one.
“The Waiting (Is the Hardest Part)”, from 1981’s Hard Promises is on now.
Florida v LSU
Here’s a fun thought. At one point half of The Eagles, most of the Heartbreakers, and Stephen Stills were all skipping classes at Gainesville High School at the same time.
As for football, the Gators got back to scoring offensive touchdowns last week so everyone is happy-ish about football. LSU has reason to celebrate because this week’s opponent is not Troy.
Wait.
That doesn’t sound as positive as it should. Maybe it could help if LSU thought of Troy the same way Lou Holtz used to talk about opponents that others thought of as inferior. For instance, Lou might say, “Gosh, Troy is an underrated team. Their long snapper is the most accurate I’ve seen. They’ve got speed at the Waterboy position. Their coach was undefeated last season at East Pikeville Stenography College. We’ve got be great to have a chance against these guys.” Gee whiz, I hope that kind of positive thinking helps Tiger fans feel better.
I’m sure it’s a coincidence that the Spotify just stared playing Tom Petty’s “Even the Losers” from 1979’s Damn the Torpedos as I contemplate this next game.
Miami v FSU
The Commissioner now officially regrets this entire column. I’m supposed to say something nice and positive about FSU AND Miami? Here’s an honest effort.
The Commissioner attended the 1981 Orange Bowl in which Oklahoma defeated FSU. I went with my great uncle, Vernon, a decorated WWII vet. We sat at the top of the old Orange Bowl. It’s one of my favorite football memories. So that’s good. As for Miami, The Commissioner was born in Coral Gables, so that’s a happy memory, too. Whew. The Commissioner is relieved to make it through that one without a single mention of FSU’s clown school or Miami’s sordid affiliation with various convicts.
Arkansas v South Carolina
Wil Muschamp is doing a much better job as a head coach on the second go around and Brett Bielema, bless his heart, is trying so hard. Also, The Commissioner spelled “Bielmea” correctly without looking it up! Maybe this is getting easier.
FAU v ODU
We pick this because we like to follow the career of annoying, but flawed, head coach Lane Kiffin. “You Wreck Me” from Petty’s 1994 Wildflowers album just kicked in. Let’s celebrate a moment of truth and justice in a song title.
Kentucky v Missouri
Finally, an easy game to say something positive about and here is the good news: None of you have to watch this game!
Michigan v Michigan State
That Paul Bunyan Axe is a great looking trophy. It is worthy of the fine young student athletes who shall compete to posses it. Neither of these coaches has said anything this week that was even mildly bizarre.
OK, the positive college comments were the hard part. On to the NFL where compliments should abound.
Giants v Chargers
Two winless teams so the positive news is that, barring a horrific 3-3 tie, someone will be a winner this week. Yay for winners!
Lions v Panthers
Super Cam is back! He’s so adored (in his own mind) that last week he was able to turn a black power symbol from the 60’s, a raised, clenched fist signifying resistance, into a symbol of “unity and peace”. The Commissioner always supports rewriting history to suit one’s own convenience.
Correction: The Commissioner has been made aware that the previous paragraph about Cam Newton does not meet the standard of positivity required for this column. The sentence is hereby amended to read: “Cam Newton has returned to rushing for touchdowns and he is Woke. Also, cool hats, dude.”
Next up, “Stop Dragging My Heart Around” from Stevie Nicks 1981 album Bella Donna.
Colts v Niners
Andrew Luck returns to practice this week. The Cols ascent to mediocrity is sure to follow.
Chiefs v Texans
At 33 years old, Alex Smith is finally fulfilling the promise of being the first pick in the 2005 draft. He just needed to get used to the speed of the game. Even DeShaun Watson, the Texans’ QB, needed 2.5 games to get up to speed.
Looks like The Commissioner will make it through an entire list of games with only positive comments about each team. I wasn’t sure I could do it, but I’m very pleased with myself. We never know our full capabilities until we push on the boundaries and challenge ourselves. That’s what makes America great. The daily opportunity to find a new way to be better than you once thought you could be. This is terrific….
Hold the phone. Petty’s “Don’t Come Around Here No More” is at full volume and The Commissioner just realized I forgot to discuss one game.
Oh, no. Not… not the Jets!
Browns v Jets.
Should have ended this column four paragraphs ago! The Commissioner is not, NOT, going to say anything nice about the Jets. The Browns are easy. They are just the NFL’s little kid brother. You keep him around and let him be in the club, but never let him win. The Jets, however, are the, the, ummmm, (gotta try to stay positive. It’s the last one!) The Jets… how about this. In the late 80’s television show ‘The Wonder Years’, the lead character, Kevin Arnold, wears a New York Jets jacket. Even including this normally fatal character flaw, ‘The Wonder Years’ remains one of the exceptional series of all-time. Pilot to final episode it was on point, funny, and poignant. ‘The Wonder Years’ makes me happy and it makes me think of that awful NY Jets jacket. So, there. That’s the nicest thing I can say about the Jets. They didn’t screw up a great television show.
The Commissioner has never been happier to finish one of these way too long screeds. Saying nice things that may occasionally also be funny is too hard. I hope all America is a little better off for the effort.
To close, here are the best Tom Petty songs. While it’s sad to know that he is gone, the songs will always summon a smile and a sing- a-long.
5. Melinda, Anthology Live, 2009
4. Rebels, Southern Accents, 1985
3. I Won’t Back Down, Full Moon Fever, 1989
2. American Girl, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, 1976
1. Southern Accents, Southern Accents, 1985
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
Swingin, from 1999’s Echo is our last cut for the column
The Grover Picks 