October 18, 2017
Good Day Grover Pickers,
If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it in a picks column.
Chiefs v Raiders
The Chiefs lead the all-time series 62-52-2. They first met as Chiefs and Raiders in 1963. The Chiefs won 7 of last 8. The Chiefs beat the Raiders in the last AFL game ever played, winning the league championship and going on to beat the Vikings to win Super Bowl IV. The loudest crowd roar at a sports stadium is 142.2 dbA and was achieved by Chiefs fans at Arrowhead Stadium on September 29, 2014. The parking lot at a Chiefs game is the greatest smelling parking lot because everything is barbecue. Alex Smith is the Truth.
The Raiders, on the other hand, suck. Raider fans are ugly so the team is moving to Vegas. The tailgating at the decrepit Oakland Alameda County Stadium smells like Uncle Earl is deep frying body parts in motor oil. Beast Mode is so 5 years ago.
Harvard v Princeton
And now, something you get ONLY from the Grover Picks. Trash talk by F. Scott Fitzgerald. This is from “This Side of Paradise”, published in 1920. The speaker is our main character, Amory Blaine.
“I want to go to Princeton,” said Amory. “I don’t know why, but I think of all Harvard men as sissies, like I used to be, and all Yale men as wearing big blue sweaters and smoking pipes.” Monsignor chuckled.
“I’m one, you know.” “Oh, you’re different—I think of Princeton as being lazy and good-looking and aristocratic—you know, like a spring day. Harvard seems sort of indoors——” “And Yale is November, crisp and energetic,” finished Monsignor.
Florida State v Louisville
Cardinals won last year’s game 63-20, ending the last great era of FSU football. Since that loss, FSU has gone on to blowout losses to Clemson, Carolina, Miami, Alabama, and NC State. In September, the New York Times reported on academic fraud allegations made by a teaching assistant who said she felt pressured to give special breaks to athletes in online hospitality courses on coffee, tea and wine, where some handed in plagiarized work and disregarded assignments and quizzes. I know. I also thought ‘academic fraud’ and ‘academic progress’ were synonymous at FSU. All kidding aside, “Coffee, Tea and Wine” is a 400 level course at FSU. It is so tough, most students can’t even get into it because they can’t pass the pre-requisite course, “Left Hand Right Hand: Survey and Perspectives”.
Alabama v Tennessee
The Commissioner is growing concerned that we won’t have Butch Jones around at Tennessee much longer. To be fair, The Commissioner is equally concerned that we WILL have Nick Saban around for much too long. For now, let’s celebrate Butch Jones’ waning time at UT by interpreting his best quotes.
“Brick by Brick”- meant to describe how you build a program, but unfortunately it also works in reverse.
“Praise and blame, it’s all the same.”- except nobody every got fired after too much praise. Blame on the other hand…
“We had great confidence in our defense.”- also attributed to the 2016 Falcons, the 1939 French, and anyone whoever faced off against the Mongols.
“We learned about the value of being ready versus the value of being prepared.”- That’s deep. Is this one of the advanced concepts in the online “Coffee, Tea and Wine” class?
“They’ve won the biggest championship. The Championship of life.”- said Nick Saban, never.
Miami v Syracuse
Maybe it is ALL ABOUT THE U, but don’t you think Miami fans are hoping they lose before they accidentally make it to the College Playoff where they would get ripped by any good team? As for Syracuse, it is the Finland of college sports. You know the name, you know kind of where they are, every so often they win something, but you fear them as much as you fear broccoli in cheese sauce.
UMASS v Georgia Southern
So you think you can pick games? These teams are both winless. It’s Homecoming for the Minutemen. I hope they have a good band so at least halftime won’t suck. There are plenty of good tickets remaining for just $20 each. UMass undergraduate students receive free admission to the game by simply swiping their UCard at the student entrance. UCards are also used for the student BBQ behind sections 9 and 10 at each game. It’s not clear why anyone else would need to pay for the game or what is sure to be disappointing Massachusetts barbecue. You can follow the game on Twitter or Instagram or you can have the football secretary call you directly and give you play-by- play. Happy Picking!
BYU v East Carolina
Two teams, both are 1-6. There is no better venue in all of sports for a game between two 1-6 teams than Greenville, NC. Greenville is the ‘Crappy, Boring Saturday Night Capitol” of eastern North Carolina. If you’ve never been to eastern North Carolina, think Tatooine, but with more hogs and fewer Jawas. (It’s got about the same number of sand people as Tatooine). ECU is known as a party school because nobody should have to face Greenville sober. BYU is a mormon party school now that they’ve started selling cola beverages on campus as of last month.
Penn State v Michigan
The All-Hype Bowl. It’s got Heisman candidates, playoff teams, and also Michigan. Penn State continues to wear uniforms that look like the prisoners from The Longest Yard.
Dolphins v Jets
Jets owner Woody Johnson, who is currently the U.S. Ambassador to Great Britain, came out in favor of autocorrect, pastry pies topped with fish heads, and a new law to ban all puppies from 43 of the 50 states. This proves again that the Jets are a stain on sports and a colossal, rotting, carcass of despair.
Cowboys v Niners
Zeke is suspended! Zeke got an injunction! Zeke is suspended! Zeke got another injunction! The problem for the Cowboys is you can’t get an injunction against Niners QB CJ Beathard! Sure, the Niners are winless, but that was mostly before they launched the CJ Beathard experience. He’s 2017’s Dak Prescott, but without the success. CJ Beathard is the second coming of legendary 49ers QBs Ken Dorsey, Tim Rattay, Jim Drukenmiller, Steve Stenstrom, and Bob Gagliano all wrapped in one!
Patriots v Falcons
The Falcons gave up 19 points to the Patriots in the 4th quarter of the last Super Bowl and 6 more to lose in overtime. What did they say after the loss? “We had great confidence in our defense.”
Saints v Packers
You are the general manager of a team that will play one football game. If your team wins, there will be world peace and, even better, chocolate chip cookies that actually lower your cholesterol! You have to pick one active quarterback to run your team. A guy you can trust in any situation. Your team will not have Gronkowski on the roster. Aaron Rodgers is hurt. Tom Brady is old and stinks without Gronk. Don’t you have to pick Drew Brees as the most reliable quarterback in the league, a man worthy of bringing us all world peace and chocolate chip cookies? You do.
Unless you are Nick Saban and you coach the Miami Dolphins. In that case, you choose Daunte Culpepper, who is now schlepping Dr. Pepper at Oakland Alameda County Stadium. Or is that Larry Culpepper? At least Nick is winning the championship of life. Also, the Saints are winning this game.
Happy Picking, The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 