October 10, 2017
Good Day Grover Pickers,
If you are struggling to see just which teams will win this week and why, here is some insightful research to help you out.
Panthers v Eagles
Cam Newton, America’s Frontrunner, is a harmless American. He’s not a classic quarterback, but he’s still excellent at his job most days. Terrible feet. Throws off his back foot. Inconsistent accuracy. Except when he’s whipping perfect throws and running over linebackers. Cam worries about all sorts of stuff that doesn’t seem to matter: throw the ball exactly twice on the sideline before entering a game, stay on one knee in the huddle early in the game so opponents won’t know if you are tired late in the game, waste time celebrating first downs instead of getting to the huddle and running the next play, taking footballs from teammates who score touchdowns so he, Cam, can give it to a fan, wearing elaborate fashion to walk 30 yards into a stadium because he thinks he should be someone’s fashion icon. Cam seems very concerned about playing the role of Hero Quarterback. He’s not anywhere near as slick or intellectual as he pretends to be, but so what? His job is quarterback, and he’s really good at that.
Vols v Gamecocks
Here’s some hope for the Big Orange. The Vols have recorded 407 total tackles this season, five more than South Carolina’s 402 tackles. The Vols are also better at rushing and punting, but far behind the Gamecocks in passing. What does it all mean? Recently The Commissioner sat down for an exclusive, one-on-one interview with Grover Picker and UT grad SOFTFOCUS, who also has a son currently enrolled at UT and working in the athletic department.
THE COMMISSIONER: So, SOFTFOCUS, your coach, Butch Jones, has recently pointed out that coaching football is more than winning on the field, it’s also about learning to win at life. Your team hasn’t made it back to the Citrus Bowl since 2002. How’s the ‘life’ part working out?
SOFTFOCUS: It’s working great. Since Butch Jones has coached the Vols, I’m no longer forced to watch the games for three hours. I do yard work. I spend time with my kids. My wife and I had meaningful conversations on 4 of the 5 football Saturdays. One Saturday afternoon I whipped one of our best customers in tennis. Butch’s plan is working well. I’m winning at life.
THE COMMISSIONER: Thank you and congratulations. We hope your success continues with the next coach.
Oklahoma v Texas
Fun game. Good history. Maybe Oklahoma is great. Maybe Texas is getting better. But let’s not miss the bigger picture. This game takes place as part of the Texas State Fair. Here are the new foods for 2017 available only at the Texas State Fair.
Deep Fried Chicken Noodle Soup on a Stick.- No, I cannot explain it.
Deep Fried Froot Loops- exactly what it says.
Fat Smooth- a beignet with chocolate and caramel sauce
Fernie’s Fried Texas Sheet Cake- ruining America’s best cake
The Tamale Donut- pork carnitas, donut, creamy jalapeno salsa
Funnel Cake Bacon Queso Burger- a bacon burger sandwiched between two funnel cakes and doused with powdered sugar.
Surfin’ Turfin’ Tator Boat- lobster, steak, cheese, butter, stuffed in a tator.
And finally, and I swear this is true, listed under “Other New Foods” at the Texas State Fair for 2017 is….
Veggie Hot Dog- beef stick free of death materials
Honestly, The Commissioner thought the biggest problem with this game would be all the young women parading around in jean shorts and skirts with cowboy boots. It’s a ridiculous look, but it’s no Tamale Donut.
Memphis v Navy
Has the commissioner mentioned yet that his automobile was burgled in Memphis this past August? The Commissioner misses his stuff. So, what with Navy being in the national defense business, here’s hoping the Midshipman run up 800 yards on the flea-infested, crappy- blues-singing, third rate barbecuing, Elvis-wannabe, river-water-drinking, late-FedEx-shipping, wish-they-lived-in-Nashville, thieving, ugly- blue-Cinncinati Bengals-helmet-wearing, one time employers of legendary NCAA and Federal law breaking coaches John Calipari AND Dana Kirk, Memphis Tigers. Not that the Commissioner holds any bitterness about his 5 hours in Memphis.
Ohio State v Nebraska
History lesson for the youths. Nebraska is a legendary program. 892 all-time wins. 5 National Titles. 46 Conference Titles. Over all those seasons, the Cornhuskers have accumulated 143 MILES rushing the ball, and 143 YARDS in passing. It used to be said that Nebraska’s advantage was a bunch of corn-fed farm boys and the world’s greatest weight room. The wishbone offense, the triple option, it was all glory for Nebraska. What changed in Lincoln (City Motto: This is the Capitol of the Middle of Nowhere!)? What’s the reason for the decline of Big Red? Drug testing? Failure of too many family farms? Advent of the forward pass? The arrest of Lawrence Phillips? Are they really losing that many recruits to Northern Illinois? If you know what happened to Nebraska Football please call 1-900-TOMOSBORNE. Your guess is as good as anybody else and there are three people left in Burlington, IA who really want to know.
Auburn v LSU
Tiger on Tiger crime. LSU’s win over Florida really hurts them. Harder to pay your coach to leave when he can point to, “I beat Florida in the Swamp.”
Florida v Texas A&M
The Gators have new uniforms for this game. They are supposed to look like actual alligators with ’scales’ on the shirts. The jersey’s and pants are ’Swamp Grey’, which is the same color as “Used Hippie Birkenstocks, Circa 1971”. If you ever played EA Sports NCAA video game you will recall a game setting that allowed you to play mascots vs mascots. That is, all the players would look like a leprechaun for Notre Dame, or Albert the Alligator for Florida, or a dumpy, misshapen blob for Syracuse. In this one instance, the strapping young men of UF would look so much better if they did all play in Albert the Alligator’s costume. First, they’d look more like actual alligators. Second, they wouldn’t have to wear these togs that make them look like cockroach ninjas.
Youngstown State v North Dakota State
GAME OF THE WEEK! A battle of Top 10 FCS teams. The Bison bring an 11 game winning streak while the Penguins have won 11 straight at home. NDSU is the only FCS team to not allow a passing touchdown yet this season. NDSU’s Lance Dunbar leads the Missouri Valley in rushing with 113 yards a game. YSU’s Tevin McCaster is second in the conference averaging 107 yards per game.
Famous Bison Alum- Bob Backlund, former WWWE World Wrestling Champion
Famous Penguin Alum- Grover Picker Steve McGee
North Dakota State, Fargo, ND: Enrollment is 14,432 with cost of attendance about $18,000 and an average freshman SAT score of 1138.
Youngstown State, Youngstown, OH: Enrollment is 12,750 with cost of attendance about $17,000 and an average freshman SAT score of 1000.
Alabama v Arkansas AND Georgia v Missouri
The Tide and Dawgs are both 30 point favorites, so, you are welcome for these easy picks. Many Americans do not know that Missouri and Arkansas share a common border. For this game, the also share impending doom as they are about to get squashed. Useless border trivia- Missouri’s ‘Bootheel’ extends 50 miles south across the 36-30 North latitude line that marks the rest of Missouri- Arkansas border. This is only because the people of this region did not want to live in Arkansas and argued, and won, the right to stay in Missouri. Based on the record, Arkansas Head Coach Brett Bielema also doesn’t want to live in Arkansas much longer.
Chiefs v Steelers
Grover Picker SOFTFOCUS grew up in Pittsburgh, PA before he matriculated at Tennessee. He’s a huge Steeler fan. Here now is the rest of THE COMMISSIONER’s exclusive interview with SOFTFOCUS.
THE COMMISSIONER: It must have been really easy to be a Steelers fan growing up. What does it feel like this week?
SOFTFOCUS: Luckily, I have a really big yard and plenty of kids to occupy my time. Next question.
THE COMMISSIONER: I noticed you’ve already decorated your office for Halloween with these cool pumpkin photos. What costume will your wear this year?
SOFTFOCUS: What? I haven’t decorated for Halloween, those are my autographed Phil Fulmer photos. Get out of my office.
Titans v Colts
This is Monday Night Football. Other options include new episodes of Big Bang Theory, The Voice, Dancing With The Stars, Netflix, YouTube, Hulu or anything in the top 50 on the New York Time’s Bestseller list.
Falcons v Dolphins
If your LinkedIN account sends you a notice of an opening for ‘Offensive Line Coach” in the Miami area, delete your account. The last two guys who held that job were fired for bullying and drugs in the workplace. The next guy is setup for a serious infraction!
Finally, Other Football Note:
USA has failed to qualify for the World Cup next summer. There are many people to blame and we should blame them all.
Iceland, on the other hand, has qualified for the World Cup. The local paper in Iceland made a fantastic announcement that makes The Commissioner think we should invite Iceland to join the Grover Picks next season. Here is their statement:
“We at Reykjavik Grapevine have consulted several witches, a necromancer, The Elf Parliament, The Runes, The Entrails, a mystic from HafnarfJordur, a murder of crows wth strange flight patterns, Solla The Strange, Google, a magic 8-ball, and our delivery driver’s mom who can see ghosts.
We offer the following tip:
Iceland have a certain destiny to win the World Cup in 2018, and are on a glowing prophetic path to imminent football domination.
The Ice Age Cometh.”
The Commissioner wishes he had written that. Go Iceland.
Happy Picking,
The Commissioner
The Grover Picks 